Vacationing in Alaska
While vacationing in a remote area of Alaska, I met an old mountain man, wise in the ways one need be to live in an extreme wilderness area like he did. 

I asked him about the weather, did it rain a lot? He said;
“See those mountains over there” and he pointed to them.’
I replied, “Yes.”
“Well,” he replied, “.. if you can’t see those mountains, that means it’s raining. If you can see them that means it’s going to rain.”
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What retirees do?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, “Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?”
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn’t care. We came into town by bus.
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A caring, honest politician

I once met an honest, caring, politician that listened when I spoke and tried to help the country. Then I woke up.
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Russian optimist, pessimist and realist

What is the difference between a Russian optimist, pessimist and realist?
The optimist studies English.
The pessimist studies Chinese.
The realist stays home and cleans his kalashnikov.
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Suicidal

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. that I called the Suicide Lifeline.
I got a call centre in Pakistan ,and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.