WHEN I moved back to Toronto from California, I told everybody I missed my family. Truth was, I was nursing a broken heart. My first boyfriend, first of everything one rainy night—how stereotypical—told me our relationship of three years was a lie. I got a job in a bank, enrolled in grad school, and focused on not noticing men for awhile. That would’ve been all fine and dandy if I didn’t happen to work for the nicest, most attractive man. It was harmless at first. I was the youngest worker in the office, and sure, I was confident in myself, so I dressed appropriately.
I noticed he’d be staring, and then the flirting began. He told me one day my 21 years was too young for his 25. Fast-forward to today: I’m 24; he’s 28. While we do not work in the same office anymore, the attraction remained. Until one night when I was leaving a club; the first time he reached out to me. He begged me to come over, which I did. Upon arriving, I realised he was a little bit drunk. We both share the blame for our next course of action because, somehow, the sexual tension we shared for the past three years just couldn’t be held back. I didn’t regret my actions until the next morning when he became quite adamant that I tell no one. I assured him I wouldn’t, because my job and his at another branch could be at stake. He told me he’d call, and… Well, he hasn’t. This was three weeks ago. I really like this man; I wanted things to go far, even before we slept together. Now I want to hold him accountable for his actions, but I’m afraid I might come off as too confrontational and become “That girl!” Should I confront him, or just do as he does and pretend it never happened?
Elspeth

Elspeth,
You can be unhappy in a relationship with a man and be the only one in it. You can think about your relationship with a man, and be in a relationship the other person is not having. Listening to your description of that night is a little like watching a horror flick: There’s a thump in the basement, and a young woman moves toward the door, opens it, and starts down the stairs. Meanwhile, the audience is yelling, ‘Don’t go down in the basement!’
You were attractively dressed, looking for men in a club, drinking. It was late, your inhibitions were lower. A man you had been fantasizing about for three years called. In the past when the two of you worked in the same office, you dressed confidently, which means you put your clothes on in the morning with him in mind. Reading your letter, we hoped you’d turn him down. If he was seriously attracted to you, he had ample opportunity to date you. As girlfriend and boyfriend, you two had zero experience. The next morning, he wanted to pretend it never happened. That’s not what a man thinks about a girlfriend, or even someone he cares about. ‘I’ll call you’ is what a man says to get a woman out of his place without making a scene.
Now you are angry because you made a booty call to a guy you weren’t dating, and you want him to pay for it. You need to stop thinking well of him; you need to stop thinking of him; and you need to take this lesson to heart. For a different reason than yours, he is right about forgetting this ever took place. You made a mistake, one you don’t want to repeat. You never sleep with a man you haven’t dated. When things go this far awry, you have to ask yourself, ‘What can I learn from this so it never happens again?’
Wayne & Tamara