MY boyfriend and I are 18 and have been dating four months. Although we are young and haven’t been together long, I truly believe we have the relationship of a more mature couple with a longer history. Or at least I do. My boyfriend — we will call him Bob for privacy’s sake — is a true Renaissance man when it comes to relationships: He’s great with kids; loves me very much; has a great body; is pleasing in the bedroom; is hilarious; and most importantly, loves his mother more than anything else. Bob has one shortcoming, though. When I see Bob with his family, my heart melts. I have never met a person with closer family bonds, and that is important to me, since I have never been close to my family. However, Bob’s interest in me has gradually ebbed; or so it seems to me. There are times, of course, when he is sweet and romantic, and I just think, “Wow! This is the kind of man I want to spend my life with!” But most of the time he seems too busy to sit down and have a real conversation with me.
I have experience enough to know that every strong relationship revolves around communication, but Bob is stoic, which makes effective communication difficult. Half the time I’m almost convinced I’ve done something wrong to make him angry, but I can never think of anything, and when I can, I always make it a point to talk to him about it and apologise. None of my efforts seem to make a difference, and I’m about at the end of my rope. I love Bob very, very much, but I wonder if he is as committed to me as I am to him, or if he isn’t as mature as I am to know how to make this relationship work. I know the obvious answer is to talk to him. I have, and will continue to do so, but I’m running out of ideas. Please don’t dismiss this as teen angst. It really does run much deeper than that, and, for once, I want somebody to take me seriously. (Renae)

Renae,
A relationship of four months has gone so far awry you are at the end of your rope, and you’ve fallen into the “every relationship can be fixed” trap. And you are a teen. Look at the pattern you are setting for yourself. Time must be present in dating so people don’t put the cart before the horse. You need time to get to know a man, to build the connection, to let him show you who he really is. You need to get him off his best behaviour and away from what he thinks you want.
Otherwise, it’s he says nice things, you have sex, and you try to call it a relationship. What many women don’t understand is that a man may despise them for the very thing he wanted: Sex. That night he wanted sex; the next day or the next week he can discount her because sex came too easily. You can take back love, you can take back friendship, you can take back trust, but you cannot take back intimacy. It is because you had sex that you are chasing the relationship. Without sex, you would simply have stopped dating him. Aside from intimacy, there is another factor. Who doesn’t see a Hallmark card and think they want the big happy family around the Christmas tree, or at the birthday dinner? Did you think you could get what is missing in your family through him? The two things every relationship must have—the feeling of being loved, and the ability to talk honestly with one another—those are the foundation. That’s what you build upon. Without that, you have no relationship. Without that, there is nothing to “work on.”
Wayne & Tamara