I AM divorcing my husband after nine years of marriage. We had problems for years, which worsened after he had an affair. I knew months ago I was no longer happy, and tried to work on the marriage, but it was pretty much one-sided. Four months ago I slept with someone. I knew I couldn’t have done it if I was still in love with my husband, so I decided to end the marriage. I have chosen not to tell him, because it would only cause pain to him and my children.

I am very nervous, because I confided in my cousin, and don’t feel confident she will keep this secret. I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want anyone to hurt any more than they already do, and I am filled with regret and guilt.
Lena

Lena,
In the movie, ‘Mulholland Falls’, a Los Angeles detective named Max Hoover solves a difficult murder case, and along the way cheats on his wife. The final scene of the movie is not about the crime; it shows Max’s wife turning to him and saying, “You broke my heart,” as she leaves him forever.

Infidelity can do that: Break whatever love you had left for the other person. It is a bell that cannot be un-rung. You proved that to yourself when you slept with another man. You know you could not have done it if you still loved your husband. The reverse is also true: Your husband could not have loved you if he cheated on you, and that is where this all started.

Dealing with your cousin is like dealing with a blackmailer. You can’t trust her not to tell, and telling her took your secret out of your hands. It was another bell that cannot be un-rung. The way to deal with a blackmailer is to tell first; that’s the only way to regain control.

If you think you can safely talk to your husband, it might be along these lines: “I am being honest with you out of respect. You ended the marriage when you cheated; it ended my feelings for you. Don’t think we can patch this up, or if I had only forgiven you, things would be different. All we can do now is look to the welfare of the children.”

When your husband cheated, it ended the marriage. You jumped a step on your way to divorce. That’s all. Guilt and regret will disappear as you chart a new and better course for yourself.
Wayne & Tamara