The bottom-line
I HAVE been dating my boyfriend a little over seven years. We are now in our mid-20s. We always talked about getting married, getting a place together, and having a family. Almost two years ago he lost his job due to downsizing, and is yet to find another full-time job. I graduated with my Master’s and started working at a job right away. Now I am fortunate to be in my dream career.
I’m ready to get my own place and move on with my life, but my boyfriend is still nowhere near there. How long should I wait for him to get his life together before I date people who are going somewhere in their lives? Or should I be perpetually patient and stick it out?
I love him and can’t imagine myself with anyone else, but it is very frustrating. His lack of a job prevents him from moving on with me. I’m getting my own place, regardless.

Anne

Anne,
It’s a good thing for your boyfriend you see that his lack of a job affects your feelings for him. Instead of ‘we’, you see it as ‘me’.
Three elements are at work here: One is accounting. There was once a merging of fortunes, but now he has no fortune to merge. Two is the clock. There is no timelessness between the two of you; no in sickness and in health, in good times and bad. Instead, it’s “I will only wait so long.”
Three is familiarity. You mistook sameness in background and history for love. When his vessel ran aground, so did your love.
We are not scolding you. People cannot change their genuine, at-rest nature; it’s who they are. If you pretend to be someone you aren’t, you will be unhappy and hurt whoever you are with.
You were together very young; probably too young. You don’t want to be with him now, not because his prospects have dimmed, but because you don’t love him. So the thing is: Stop telling him you do.

Wayne & Tamara