Happy Holiday

I HAVE been married 22 years to a kind and thoughtful man. We have two children: A son and a daughter. My daughter is now in college, and my son’s a senior in high school. Thankfully, my husband still has a job, and we live fairly well. My problem lies in my upbringing and birth family. My mother was a very cruel person. There were three siblings in the house: My older brother, my sister and me. My parents divorced when I was eight.
We struggled financially, and had to put up with my mother’s violent mood swings. It was hellish at best. Sadly, none of the siblings bonded, and to best describe the situation, it was the classic dysfunctional family.
My sister was the middle child, and the ‘hero child’. She is now 56, and waits on my mother hand and foot. Her entire life centres on mother.
Thankfully, they live hundreds of miles away. My mother is 91, and we have travelled down there on many occasions to see them for the holidays.
They have never been up to see us, and my sister has never once spent ime with her niece and nephew. She only dotes on mother. Every year, my sister tells me ‘This is mother’s last Christmas,’ and we need to go down and see her once again. This has been going on over 10 years.
I would like to move on with my life; I’ve sent countless gift packages, floral arrangements, gift cards, you name it. In my own way, I, too, dote on ‘mother’. Do you have any advice for me?
Heidi

Heidi,
You are looking at your family with two different lenses, one on each eye. The first lens is the Hallmark greeting card lens, and the second is the lens of reality. Continuing to do this can only make you cross-eyed.
You act as if you failed to provide your children with a grandmother and an aunt, when you should be pleased they are not in contact with the kids. Reframe this. We would call it a silver lining that these two never had a chance to influence your children.
It is natural for people to want their kids to have relatives who love and support them, but you can’t give your children what you never had. You are still grieving over the lack of a close family, like an only child wishing for siblings.
Your sister is a martyr, and to be a martyr, she needs to continue to be a victim. Let her, but don’t join her. She is not a hero. She is attached to her abuser. She is a victim, and you, fortunately, are not.
Stop the visits and inform your sister, “This year we won’t be coming.”
This year, look at your cruel mother and sister through the lens of reality. This year, give yourself the gift of letting it all go.
Wayne & Tamara

Safe harbour

`MY SISTER’S husband is mean, and she left because, among other things, he spanks the children too hard. My dad drove eight hours to pick her and the children up. Now her husband is threatening her, saying he has rights, and is coming to take the kids.
What would be the best way to stop him, and keep him from harassing her
until a divorce is final?
Shea

Shea,
Search Online for HotPeachPages.net. This Canadian-based site is an international directory of agencies, organizations and shelters dealing with domestic, dating and family abuse. They list resources in virtually every state, province, territory and country in the world.
From there you can find nearby help for your sister.
The Hotline.org is a U.S.-based site which explains how to develop a safety plan for leaving an abuser, what to do after leaving, and how to help a friend in an abusive relationship. Help for your sister is as close as the nearest phone.
Wayne & Tamara