Left unsaid
I HAVE always tried to deal with problems myself; I have never relied on anyone, but lately, I don’t think I can anymore.
I’m the younger of two brothers; my father was always out of town on business, and my mother hired maids to take care of me and my brother.
I was very close to him, since he was practically all the family I had nearby. He is seven years older. When I was five, he started to play inappropriate games with me. Of course, at that time, I didn’t understand it wasn’t how brothers should play. These games continued
for years, until one day when I was eight, I told him I didn’t like the games.
He got so angry, he dragged me into one of the guestrooms that was always empty and violated me. I never told anyone what happened, out of fear. Now I’m 25, I have been unable to have any type of relationship with anyone, and since a few months ago, I have started to feel an attraction towards males. I never felt this way before.
I just feel my life is falling apart. All these years I have been able to deal with this on my own, but now, I just can’t.
Jack

Jack,
Feeling isolated, feeling your life is falling apart are normal, predictable responses to what happened to you.
You are not alone. Many, many other boys and men have had this happen, and it continues to happen. Now you need to stop focusing the pain on yourself, and put the blame where it belongs.
The three monkeys — see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil — are often referred to as the Three Wise Monkeys. But they are not wise: They are symbols of those who ignore atrocities; they stand for people who turn their back on suffering.
Your parents should have noticed something, and undoubtedly did, but they chose to ignore it. Your brother had no right to do what he did.
Place the blame where it belongs: On them. When we can’t give voice to our anger, dejection, shame and isolation, they turn inward. When we are not able to acknowledge what happened and tell someone, we turn that in on ourselves. No shame or guilt attaches to you. You were a child; you are blameless.
Your isolation is a thick layer of ice covering a pool of pain. Writing us is the first crack in the ice.
We suggest you get Richard Gartner’s book about sexual abuse of males, ‘Beyond Betrayal’. It will provide another crack in the ice. At a minimum, reading a book will help you know you are not alone and give you the mindset to look for more help.
Sexual abuse is nothing to handle alone, just as you wouldn’t handle a broken leg alone. The right book will help you change the way you think about what happened, and provide resources for follow-up.
Telling someone face-to-face is the next big step, and perhaps now, too big a step. But someone who understands sexual abuse in children can help you immensely.
The right person is one you have a connection with. You should feel this is someone who can help me; this person I could talk to, once I get to know them.
Don’t expect anyone else in your family to admit what happened. Most family members will be rigid in denying both what happened, and their role in it.
Take it a step at a time; do what seems right. And don’t be afraid to push yourself just a little bit as you step up on the next step.
Lots of people have horrible things happen. They turn the corner when they realize a wonderful life is still within their grasp, though now that may seem impossible for you.
Wayne & Tamara