MY HUSBAND and I have been separated three months, after two years of marriage and nine years of being together. We were a close and loving couple who travelled the world together and recently talked about starting a family. Out of nowhere one weekend, he just lost it, and I no longer recognised him. There was emptiness in his eyes and no emotion when he spoke to me. Two days before, he told me he loved me, and I was the most important thing in his life.

When I asked what was wrong, he said he was tired of the routine and felt no more passion. The days that followed, I cried every night because of those words and the change in his eyes. I left so he could take some time to think.

After ten days, he told me he no longer wanted to “planify” things, and no longer wanted to be accountable for anything. I don’t know what triggered this. He said he didn’t either; that he had nothing to reproach me with; and that I’m “perfect.” He just wanted to be alone.

I’m under the impression he’s in a phase where he’s questioning everything he’s done, and wants to start over. He changed jobs at the beginning of the year, and I noticed he was having trouble sleeping and was stressed by work. He started having bad stomach pains. He saw a lot of doctors, but no one was able to diagnose anything.

Why is it easier for him to push me away rather than face his real problems? I told him since he changed jobs he wasn’t doing so well, and he should see someone, or at least we should see someone together to help our relationship. I think that made him angry.

I then acted out of emotion and started packing my things in the apartment, but I still haven’t moved out completely and he isn’t pressuring me to move all my things.

Last time we saw each other, divorce was mentioned (though I don’t really want that), and he said he agreed to it, but neither of us have filed yet. He only contacts me for administrative things, like how to proceed in selling our apartment.

I am completely lost; my feelings are all over the place. Some days I hate him, others I still love him and want to find a solution. Other days I just accept that it’s over, but with bitterness.

How can someone tell you “I love you” one day, and the next day be no longer sure of their feelings?

Lisette
Absent a knock on the head, changes usually aren’t abrupt. Something was festering inside your husband, and one day he decided, “I will tell her what I feel, which is the opposite of what I’ve been saying.”

When people are in crisis, they often change the wrong thing before they realize it wasn’t the problem. Perhaps that explains switching jobs. Untraceable stomach problems especially suggest a crisis eating away at your husband. That worked for him another way. If he were sick, it would put you off about starting a family.

If in the past he’s silently acquiesced to what you long for, that explains both what he did and why you didn’t see it coming. When he said, “It’s not you, babe,” he was being honest.

One reason to resist counselling is obvious: He made his decision, and doesn’t want to be talked out of it. Now that the hard part’s been done, he’s in no hurry to file. Telling you was the hard part, and selling the apartment seals the deal.

Perhaps he imagined a life always exploring what is around the next corner. That is the opposite of nest building. When he decided he couldn’t push the rock uphill forever, he had to let the rock and everything with it go.