MY BOYFRIEND, 50, and I, 38, have been together a year-and-a-half. We’ve never been married, nor do either of us have kids. We have always hoped one day we would, should we find the right partner. Although we dated many people in our past, neither of us came across the ‘right one’. Although we are still young at heart and healthy, we haven’t lost sight of our biological ages. If we want children, it’s soon or never.
After dating for a year, I noticed his promises and talks about making plans for our future together stopped. I told him we were playing house — not really living together, but sleeping over full-time — and I couldn’t do it anymore.
He made four replies. He didn’t think we were ready; he wasn’t sure if getting married was what he wanted anymore; he felt he was losing himself in the relationship; and, if something bad happened, he didn’t have confidence I’d stay and fight.
It was almost as if things had to get really bad, and if I didn’t leave, it would profess my unconditional love for him. I never believed in ultimatums, but also had no intention of being strung along. So we broke up — on good terms.
We were apart three months before we tried couple counselling with his therapist of 10 years. I agreed with getting help and went along. I didn’t learn anything new, but somehow talking about issues and hearing advice about how we should do things as ‘gifts’ for one another gave him confidence to move forward.
He recently agreed to set timelines on living together and getting married. I guess I should be happy. The problem is: I am not. I resent having to ask for marriage; I feel robbed of the natural excitement two would feel building a life together.
A few of our friends recently became engaged, and when they talk of how he popped the question, I feel anger. I know I will continue to feel this way if I stay.
Even though I know in my heart of hearts he is not to blame, I can’t seem to find the confidence, enthusiasm and enjoyment I once had. Why do I feel so disconnected from him? Help me see what I’m not.