FRIDAY morning last a unique thing happened at the zoo: some of the animals who have not spoken a word for decades kindly consented to speak to a Freelance Journalist.

To his disappointment however, they spoke merely about matters of general interest and not on specific issues – this due to some temporary gag on contact with the media, one confided.

However the following are transcripts of some of those interviews:

“Oh! The media! Well Ssssssir good day to you. My comments? Well, let me first of all ssssssay how happy I am to get an opportunity to clear up some ssssserious misrepresentations that the media have been making about my ssssspecies over the years.

Yes Ssssssir, the media have been guilty of one-sided and unbalanced reporting about ssssssnakes. You have sssssstereotyped us as wicked and evil whereas most of us are just normal animals who just want to get our meals like everybody else. I, ahem, admit that some of us are, ahem, a bit unmannerly. Cobras and pit vipers. Those, ahem sssssnakes are uncouth and bad tempered and really give the rest of us a bad name. Sir, I assssssure you, we are not like those fellows.

Our only weakness is that we love to hug. Isn’t that romantic? Yes Sir, we anacondas love to hug! And………………so now that I’ve cleared the air would you mind letting me hug you Sir? Just a little hug. I promise you I wouldn’t get carried away. Just a little hug of you pleeeeeeze.

(USE PHOTO OF ANNOCANDA: CAPTION: ANACONDA at Cage #14.)

“Yes Sir! Well it’s 10AM, a bit early for an interview. I had a busy night. But it’s true I am the biggest and the baddest dude around this zoo. Lions? Yeah I’ve heard of them. Yeah they are bad (or good)depending how you look at it, but not too brainy. Least not as brainy as me. My motto, dude, is: not with strength but with cunning. Out there I can follow you for miles without you knowing zilch, and then I can pounce when you least expect it. Shiver your timbers eh!. Things sure are quiet around here though. Yeah! Ever since that Rastaman, thing not much action….

(JAGUAR at Cage # 43)

*****

Yes Sir! Kindly excuse me a moment…just had a bath. Yes I do love the water. Good to keep up my swimming and diving practice. To keep fit you know, cause you never know when some crazy fool will try something. In here it’s quiet and peaceful but out there can be scary. I guess I am just too edible…. Hey! I can’t moo but I can whistle. Want me to demo?….

(Bush Cow Cage # 58)

***

Well Sir if you want to interview me you will have to climb up this tree or raise your voice a bit. I am not scheduled to come down there for the next three weeks. What? The frequency of my calls of nature? I would have you know Sir that that is a highly personal question. But, off the record, I urinate once every two weeks and have to go to the bathroom once every three weeks. Constipation? Nah! I am just slow by nature. I should start coming down, two weeks from now. Should reach the ground by the third week. I take my time Sir! I never hurry things. Never ever. Heh! Heh! Heh!

(SLOTH Cage # 9)

****

Yes Sir! Ask away! Well, first of all you mentioned the word divorce! Well that word does not exist in our vocabulary. Myself and my mate here have been together for so many years now that I sometimes lose track. My reminiscences? Well, I’ve seen thousands of humans come and go. Some are good. I like the little humans. You know they look so portable. Sometimes I feel like I can just snatch one up and retire with it to a private place and munch and crunch. Ah! Those days in the wild! The good old days. But that’s off the record eh! I was just kidding. See you later! Screech ….

(MALE HARPY EAGLE Cage # 69)

****

Oh the Media! Yes! Well what have you got for me and my extended family? Any mangoes? Any bananas? Any papaws? Any nuts? Come on, you know myself and my extended family here are nuts about nuts. What! No nuts! Well Sir I am aware that you may gain some profit from these interviews. You got to give something to get something. In the absence of that, Sorry Sir! Go and come again.…..

(SPIDER MONKEY Cage # 38)

***

“Hey Mr. Reporter! Did you notice my new sssssssskin? I trashed the old one yesterday! Do you like it?

(ANACONDA Cage # 14)

“Hey you oversized garden hose, you had your turn. Stop interrupting my interview. Yes Sir! Where were we. Oh yes! My dental care. These teeth are very important to me. And I’ll tell you something, my friend – see those birds over there? Plovers, I think they call them? Well they are my good friends. Like if I got something stuck in my teeth, like pieces of flesh, I just open my mouth like if I am smili
ng and one of those little angels would fly into my mouth and pick those pieces from out my teeth. Yes Sir! Do I eat them while they are in there? Well it’s a bit of a temptation, but you know those birds are important for my dental care? Why kill the goose that lays the golden egg, eh? That would be stupid wouldn’t it?….

(BLACK CAIMAN Cage # 27)