I’VE been seeing a client who recently lost a loved one and naturally, is having a hard time coping with it. He asked me to write on the potential benefits of grieving; to possibly help others who may be going through a similar situation.

The feeling of loss is supposed to be painful and may feel like it will never end but ‘time heals all wounds’ is a cliché for a reason. However, giving it time is not all that is needed. We must accept the new situation, the loss, and accept the full range of emotions that will come along with it. We need to adjust to a new life and saying goodbye. Accept that you are hurting and let yourself hurt as grief also has the power to heal.

Many believe that grief is a sign of weakness- that one must always be composed in front of company and cry when every else is gone. We should never run from sadness. There is a measure of dishonesty in that- to yourself and those around you. Not to mention, the more you fight it, the longer you will feel it.

Loss can be sudden or predictable, both being equally difficult as even though you know what’s going to happen, you are never prepared for how it feels.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve but there is something known as healthy grieving.
Grief is a process with multiple stages that allows us to feel the situation – really feel it- in order to move past our sadness over time. Without it, sadness is repressed and it is very difficult to get over the loss. Grief allows us to let go of the negative and sad energy we are feeling and put it into something else. Grief can be a roller coaster of emotions where you have good and bad days. This is normal and a completely natural response to any loss.

There are five stages of grief which include
1. Denial: “This can’t/ isn’t happening to me.”
2. Anger: “Why is this happening to me?”
3. Bargaining: “If this doesn’t happen, in return I will…”
4. Depression: “I’m too low or lack the motivation to do anything.”
5. Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what is happening/ happened.”

Denial initially helps us to deal with the loss. It is a protection mechanism that allows us to pace ourselves while grieving. Anger is a necessary stage as it’s an essential emotion for pain and healing. Feeling angry has never been the problem, it’s how we choose to express it. There are healthy ways to express anger. Aristotle once said “Anyone can become angry, that is easy. But be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way – that is not easy.”
Bargaining encompasses a lot of ‘what ifs’, ‘if only’s’ and guilt. At the end of this stage is the realisation that what happened is not your fault and the beginning stages of acceptance of the situation. The depression stage will feel never-ending. We will feel intense sadness and withdraw from others.

The final stage, acceptance, does not mean that you are no longer sad, it just means you accept that time will help to heal the pain and it’s a further understanding that you are not to blame for what happened. However, it is important to point out that you do not need to go through all these stages in order to heal properly.

We don’t just grieve death, there are many other situations that cause the common signs and symptoms of this. Some of my clients actually experience grief without actually knowing what it is. A few include shock and disbelief, physical symptoms such as nausea, headaches, pains and insomnia, prolonged crying and sadness, changes in eating and sleeping patterns as well as withdrawal from others.

To healthily grieve, we take all the time we need. Do not let anyone tell you when you should be ‘over it’. Accept that you may have some low motivation and reduction in the want and need to do activities that you once loved. Knowing this, it’s okay to not take on any new responsibilities. Accept support when offered- there’s no need to put on a brave face. Talk regularly about the loss with those closest to you.

There are things we can do for others who are grieving. We can ask about how they are doing, about their feelings and be present – be good listeners. You can ask them to share good memories of the loss they experienced. Allow them to feel sad. If they do not want to speak, just sit with them. Of course, everyone is busy and have their own lives so if you can’t be with them daily, make simple phone calls.

Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time.

If you feel that your grief has surpassed your idea of normal and it may be leading to depression or any other mental illness, please go to your nearest health centre.

Thanking you for reading. Please keep sending any topics you’d like to talk about to caitlinvieira@gmail.com Or come in to see me at:
Georgetown Public Hospital: Psychiatric Department:
Monday- Friday – 08:00hrs to 12:00hrs

Suicide Prevention Helpline Numbers: 223-0001, 223-0009, 623-4444, 600-7896

Say Yes to Life and No to Drugs! Always!