I AM depressed. I am not depressed right at this moment as I write this, but it is something I have battled with and continue to battle with. It comes and goes in waves, often as some passing melancholy, but sometimes it persists for weeks and months. My last serious bout of depression began in 2013. That lasted for more than a year. I say it was my last ‘serious’ one not to say that depression should not always be taken seriously, but to say that it was the last time I ever seriously considered killing myself because of how empty I felt.

Getting through that was no easy task. Firstly, I had to admit to myself that I actually had a problem. As someone who thrives on solitude and who on a normal day has an existential crisis, it took me a very long time before I realised that this was not just my personality trait getting a bit more complex. It was an actual problem that needed to be addressed.
While addressing my problem put me on to a road of self-discovery and self-care, too often we get caught up in the romanticised idea that that is the end of it.

Yes, things can get easier, but we need to stop treating depression as if it is just some passing problem. Too often, it persists and for those who are sold quick ideas about how to get ‘rid’ of it, this can be dangerous. I am no longer suicidal, but I do still suffer from depression. This past week saw me spending an inordinate amount of time under my writing desk crying into dirty clothes. I broke down everywhere. I began crying while struggling to open my room door. I began crying because I lost a pen. I began crying because I felt tired of crying. When the crying abated, I just felt numb to everything. The reason as to why I felt like everything was falling apart still eludes me. But see, that’s the thing about depression, it cannot always be easily explained away. Often, there is no reason other than a deep sense of isolation that refuses to budge, even when people surround you.

I began being active in an attempt to get out of my “funk,” as my friend aptly put it. I re-started yoga, I finally got around to beginning tasks I had been ignoring, such as overdue articles and dirty laundry. I went for runs, I watched sunsets and I lived in the moment. From everything I have been told, these things should have helped. In a sense, they did. While participating in them, I did feel momentary relief. As soon as I was alone again however, I fell back into a rhythm of self-loathing and every seemingly progressive step I had taken so far, no longer seemed to matter, because I once again felt the black cloak of depression shroud itself over me. Being active can help, sometimes we all need a bit of fresh air and a clean environment to lift our spirits, but more often than not these are temporary solutions to serious problems that if unchecked, can be dangerous for those suffering from them.

Despite all of the public service announcements (PSAs) and the outreaches trying to address depression and mental illness, there are still too many persons who are told that their illness is not real. As a result, they feel isolated and ashamed, believing that maybe if they try just a bit harder to be happy, to do things differently, then they can cure themselves of depression.

People are often discouraged about speaking about their depression. This often perpetuates the idea that depression does not exist, or that those who say they suffer from it might be either confused or attention-seeking and we need to stop this. We also need to stop addressing depression and mental illness only when tragedy strikes. Yes, using high-profile cases or an increase in cases of suicide can be good in a sense when it comes to bringing awareness to the issue of mental health, but too often these approaches fizzle out and we wait until a next tragedy strikes before the conversation starts again.

Often during these times, we hear phrases such as “take action,” or “do more.” To who are these terms thrown? Being soundbites, they do sound right and in a way, they can help. Encouraging people to be their brothers/sisters keepers is relevant and valid, but more often than not, depression requires the person suffering from it to put in the work, to seek help. Often however, persons do not want to admit to a problem that they have been made to feel ashamed for. Dealing with depression often means that we have to be brutally honest with ourselves and being able to be honest with others about it.

It is only when we have accepted to ourselves that we suffer from depression that we can hopefully go to therapy and get support from those closest to us. So while we must continue our messages of helping those suffering from depression, we should also up the ante in encouraging persons to destigmatise depression.

Further, stigmatising persons suffering from depression is not helping them or you in any way. All it is doing is contributing to the culture of silence and shame that surrounds depression and when it comes to depression, silence and isolation can be very dangerous.