Hello Everyone,
I hope this week has treated you well. I got a request to speak about adultery today. A woman wrote in explaining how her husband is being unfaithful and the effect it has on her. I think it’s a great topic to discuss as it is so prominent throughout Guyana. I myself know very few relationships that are monogamous- which means to be married to or in a sexual relationship with just one individual.
We’re going to talk about being unfaithful in general as only married people can commit adultery and you do not have to be married in order to be devastated by that betrayal. It is also important to note that it may be more common among men, but women can be and are also unfaithful.
For religious people, adultery is a sin. The word itself, from its Latin heritage “adulterare” means to corrupt. It is one of the major causes of divorce worldwide. However, its effects on both “cheater” and victim are so much more than that.
Unfaithfulness/ cheating causes so many problems with both the cheater and the victim. It causes psychological, physical and financial stress- both long and short term. It also affects an entire family. Even though it’s so rampant, cheating is usually disapproved of in society. In fact, it is still against the law in certain countries such as Saudi Arabia, North and South Korea and Pakistan.
There’s no doubt that the idea of adultery/ cheating is attractive. Humans love reading about it, watching it on television and many love the excitement of pleasures we can’t easily have.
But what are the serious after effects?
For the person who has committed the adultery/cheating, they may experience:

– Intense guilt
– Anxiety about being caught
– Depression if/when caught
– Violence, as some people can get physical if they find out they have been betrayed
– End of a marriage/ relationship
– Broken relationships with children and other family members
– Financial stress
– Medical consequences, such as acquiring a sexually transmitted disease (STD)
– Pregnancy (themselves or the outside person)

Now, what does the cheating do to the victim?
It causes extreme hurt, low self-esteem and self- doubt. It ruins the trust for future relationships. This is called projecting. The victims are more often than not afraid, insecure and untrusting in their new relationships. This can lead to high anxiety, depression and even suicide.
Cheating even affects the children. The family may be split apart, which is difficult for children but trust issues are also passed on to them. I know many people who have never been cheated on (to their knowledge) but are terrified of it because one of the parents were unfaithful. This prevents them from having a normal, healthy relationship which includes trust, love and respect.
Why do people cheat?
Other than serious illnesses such as sex addiction, there are many contradictory reasons as to why people cheat. It is known that rich and powerful men cheat as they believe everything has a price. However, men who are not rich or men who are instead with powerful women cheat. Why? Because they feel as though they don’t have enough power in the relationship.
Whether you are male or female, rich or poor, black, white or brown, powerful or not, have a mental illness or not, there are people who cheat and people who don’t. It’s simply a personal choice. There will always be other problems to “blame” the cheating on but despite temptation, we as humans have the capability to choose whether we hurt someone deeply or not.
Many people also cheat because of drugs and alcohol. If they have had too much, their inhibitions are lowered, which causes normal thought processes to go haywire.
The main reason always cited to me is a lack of attention. The partner has felt ignored by their significant other which has lowered their self-esteem and self-worth. Therefore, they seek attention elsewhere.
There are many ways one can pay attention to their spouse. Some examples are constant communication of the problem- not talking, ignoring and holding a grudge solves nothing.
Other examples are being physically and mentally present and affectionate, compassionate, patient, empathetic and sexually active. Human beings long for these types of connections.
Basically, cheating is an external reaction to an internal problem. Participating in the above examples are internal solutions.
What happens after you have found out?
Well, there’s a big decision to make. Do you stay and trust that it won’t happen again or do you end the relationship? I did not realise until recently how many women are stuck in this situations as they have nowhere else to go and no other way to financially support themselves or their children. This is where the community groups that I have previously spoke about come into play. Women need to come together in their communities and teach each other how to do things that are used in and out of the home. Always try and aim to increase your education.

Please continue to write in to caitlinvieira@gmail.com and let me know what you would like to talk about. Also remember you can come and see me at Woodlands Hospital on Monday’s 4:30-5:30 for problems with drugs and alcohol abuse and Wednesday’s 4:30- 5:30 for general mental health concerns, such as adultery/cheating.
Please also remember there are Al- Anon groups every Thursday 5:15 to 6:15 at Brickdam Presbytery.
Say Yes to Life and No to Drugs! Always!