MY last column was for the parents and a few reached out to me. Sadly, as expected, some were at their breaking point and unsure of the next step, wondering whether they were even doing a good job. A recurring theme was a lack of transparency from children. Many seem to be having a difficult time due to their children lying, which provides fewer opportunities for parental help.

I thought I’d discuss why children lie and what can be done to possibly avoid it.

Firstly, lying is a universal behaviour. We all do it—sometimes to protect others, sometimes to protect ourselves. But when children lie, it sparks a unique mixture of concern, curiosity, and confusion in adults. Why would someone so young, so seemingly innocent, engage in deception? Because isn’t honesty something we’re born with and lying a learned behaviour?

The truth is far more complex, and lying is not a sign of moral failure in children. It’s a developmental milestone, a psychological rite of passage that reveals how a child’s mind is evolving. Most children begin lying around the age of two to four. Not coincidentally, this is when the brain undergoes a cognitive growth spurt, especially in the area known as “theory of mind.” Theory of mind is the ability to understand that other people have thoughts, beliefs, and perspectives different from one’s own. It’s foundational for deception: if a child knows that you don’t know what they know, they can begin to manipulate what you believe.

In this light, a lie is not just a lie—it’s a mental triumph. For a three-year-old to hide the cookie they weren’t supposed to eat and then deny it with sticky fingers is actually a complex mental act. They have to remember the rule, recall their own violation, predict your reaction, and construct a believable alternative narrative—all within seconds. The first lies are usually crude and easy to detect. But as children grow, their lies become more sophisticated. They learn to layer lies with partial truths, adjust their tone of voice and match facial expressions to their stories.

While cognitive ability enables lying, emotional experience often motivates it. One of the most common reasons children lie is to avoid punishment. When a child lies about breaking a vase, they are not necessarily being defiant or malicious, but instead protecting themselves from fear—fear of reprimand, disappointment, or emotional withdrawal. This form of lying is closely tied to how safe a child feels when they make a mistake. In environments where mistakes are met with understanding and discussion, lying tends to decrease. In environments where errors are met with anger or shame, lying becomes a defence mechanism.

Therefore, adult responses to children’s lies play a critical role in shaping whether dishonesty remains a phase or becomes a pattern. When parents react with harshness, they may inadvertently reinforce lying as a survival tool. When they ignore lying, they risk sending the message that the truth is optional. The challenge is to strike a balance: to respond with curiosity rather than judgment, and to teach the value of truth without making perfection the price of acceptance. Interestingly, research has shown that children are more likely to tell the truth when they believe it will make their parents proud, even if they’ve done something wrong. This suggests that fostering honesty isn’t just about rules and consequences, but rather about connection.

What can we do?

Shift the Goal: From Obedience to Openness
One of the most counterproductive things a parent can do is make truth-telling a test of obedience. When telling the truth leads to punishment or rejection, children learn not to stop doing wrong—they learn to stop telling the truth.
Instead of asking, “How do I make them stop lying?”, ask, “How do I make honesty feel safe?”

Validate the Emotion Before Correcting the Behaviour
Beneath almost every lie is an emotion: fear of punishment, fear of disappointment, desire to impress, etc. If you jump straight to correcting the lie, you miss the human behind it.
For example, imagine your child lies about completing their homework. Before reacting, pause and say:
“I get it. Sometimes we want to avoid things that feel hard or boring. It happens.”
This doesn’t excuse the lie—it contextualises it, and that moment of validation opens the door to growth.

Make Honesty Worthwhile, Not Just Expected
Even as adults, telling the truth is hard. Children need to see that truth-telling pays off, emotionally and relationally. This doesn’t mean offering bribes for honesty. It means reinforcing truth as a sign of strength and emotional maturity. For instance:
“Thank you for telling me the truth. That took courage.”
You’re not rewarding the misbehaviour—you’re reinforcing the value of honesty. This cultivates internal motivation, and children start to associate truth with pride, connection, and safety. Instead of lying to gain approval, your child begins telling the truth to maintain it.

Reflect on Your Own Relationship with Truth
Children don’t just learn honesty by being told—it’s modelled; they absorb whether we choose honesty when it’s inconvenient.
If you want your child to stop lying, examine your own. Ask yourself whether you model honesty even when it’s hard. When children see their parents admit to wrongs, apologise, and make amends, they don’t just learn the truth, but also courage.

Build a Family Culture Where Mistakes Are Normal
The most fertile ground for lying is a perfectionist culture, where errors are viewed as catastrophes. In these environments, the child’s primary goal becomes avoidance of blame rather than ownership of behaviour. Create a family culture that treats mistakes as normal, repairable, and growth-producing. Normalise phrases such as:
“Mistakes are how we learn—not how we’re judged.”
This reframes errors not as personal flaws, but as opportunities.

The goal isn’t to raise children who never lie. That’s unrealistic and, ironically, dishonest. The goal is to understand why they lie, how they can feel safe enough to be truthful, and have the emotional tools to choose honesty even when it’s hard.
When a child learns that the truth doesn’t lead to rejection, that honesty brings connection, and that mistakes are a natural part of the learning process, it changes them. If we truly want our children to stop lying, we need to stop focusing on the lie itself and start focusing on the need beneath it.