MY last column, “Are we actually settling?” had me thinking; as many of us settle, there are an equal number who don’t. That, unfortunately, means that those who feel they weren’t fearless enough not to settle have some feelings towards people who didn’t. It begs a specific question- If we are settling, are we projecting on those who aren’t?
Projection is powerful in everyday life: we project our dreams into goals, our thoughts into emotions, and our experiences into stories, and this influences other people. We project our own filtered perspective onto other people. However, there is a less heartwarming side: we also project how we feel about ourselves, usually negatively, onto others and then think and behave as if it’s actually fact. An important question follows: are these filters providing a clear or distorted view of yourself and others?

When we project, we displace our own feelings onto someone else due to our own insecurities, unhappiness, discomfort, or envy. Common examples I see almost daily are people who criticise other people about their appearance because they feel insecure in their own skins, or insult single people because they are in a relationship that they aren’t happy in and can’t seem to leave.
Projection isn’t a new world idea of people becoming too sensitive; Sigmund Freud first spoke of it in 1895 and its inconveniences to both parties — and boy, did we perfect it! He described a patient who felt some internal shame based on actions she had taken, so she was convinced her neighbours were gossiping about her and were, therefore, bad people. I feel as if some of us are going to relate to that one hard.
Like most things in the mental health stratosphere, it can be conscious or unconscious, but I debate that it is a more unconscious defence mechanism to observe our worst thoughts and feelings from a ‘safe’ distance. However, with some self-reflection, they can all surface at the conscious level, which allows for change.

For my avid readers, you know I believe the fun always begins with the Whys.
Projecting is typically done simply because the projector has difficult, unresolved feelings that become easier to deal with when cast onto someone else. It conserves their self-positive image rather than confronting negative traits — the feelings are addressed and even managed, but just in a way where we don’t need to recognise it in ourselves. It can also be used as a control tactic, as projecting makes things more predictable. There is little fear of the known, but where there is fear that needs reducing, there is typically a search for evidence around us that will confirm or deny these feelings. It is an internal battle and one that I constantly reassure the people who are being projected on is not their fault. Even if someone decides that their own projected views are true, it still does not make it reality.

Projecting can be ‘good’ and ‘bad,’ but in my opinion, both have problematic outcomes. A bad outcome looks like when a partner is being unfaithful. They tend to be more jealous and distrustful of their partner due to their internal knowledge. A good example is when we have healthy behaviours (attending the gym), and we assume others hold it as important as we do. This puts pressure on those around us and tends to make them feel inadequate if they do not possess the qualities we wish them to have. Neither of those results in a healthy relationship.

An easy way to tell if you are projecting in general is to notice if you are using “I” vs “You” statements. When you express your emotions using “I”, you are noticing something that is within yourself and taking accountability for those feelings. If “you” statements are being used, you are most likely shifting the blame onto someone else. This would look like “I feel annoyed” versus “You are making me feel annoyed.”
If by now you’ve realised that you are, in fact, guilty of projecting, congratulations, as you are ahead of the majority, and taking steps to make positive behavioural changes is not only possible, but it’s also easy.

First, acknowledge that a lot of the time, what bothers us the most about other people is actually what bothers us about ourselves. So, do you dislike people who seem overly confident, your friend who often talks about what books they are reading or your neighbour who talks continuously about what fancy meal they are cooking next? The hard truth is this may bother you because you lack self-confidence, you often wish you read more, and you continuously wish that you prioritised your time better so you could complete housework on time.
Look inward rather than outward when having these emotions. Ask yourself, “What about this person or situation is truly upsetting me right now?” “Does this person or situation remind me of anything?” The hardest but most important question you can ask yourself is, “Am I talking about myself?”. If you can answer that honestly, it will change your world.

The healthiest approach is to find a healthier coping skill, specifically, a way to express these displaced emotions- counselling, exercise, prayer- whatever suits you best because it is not only harmful to you but also to those around you. If you are giving someone a label just because you feel as though you are lacking it, it can have serious consequences for their mental health. For example, if you lack self-confidence and dislike your friend’s amount, you are more likely to do/say things that will cause them to feel bad as well as question their own level of self-confidence.

If someone is currently doing this to you, and you now recognise it, I hope you understand that you are not the core issue and silently give them grace, as many are not open to hearing that you may understand their behaviour even more than they do. However, if it’s affecting you and you feel as though you must say something, it’s helpful (without judgment) to use phrases such as “I understand that for you, it feels like this”, “seems like this” or “is your experience”- these allow you to distance yourself from their thoughts.

You can look at your projection as a negative thing, or you can realise that you are closer to self-awareness than you think. Projection only allows us to ignore the qualities we most want to change in ourselves and shift the blame to other people — it is not a treatment or a cure for what we believe we are lacking. Continue to ask yourself not what you see in others, but rather what you don’t see in yourself.