“THIS is not good enough”,; “I am not doing this fast enough”, “Everyone is ahead of me”, we all have our own version of our inner critic.

Many factors foster and nurture this self-doubt, especially the negative social impacts from our upbringing and past and current experiences. For example, if our childhood environment strongly shames or punishes minor mistakes, we are likely to enrich that mindset as we age.

I believe there is a fundamental issue in life that I’m not sure we will ever see change, as it’s a basic human behaviour and, therefore, is reinforced repeatedly. It’s the tendency to both give and receive reward and praise only when there is desirable behaviour. In the interim, kindness and affection are often taken away when this desired behaviour isn’t followed. It begins in childhood; it is the basis for the rest of our interactions and our inner saboteur is developed based on this. It’s how we develop our “should be” thoughts; “I should be better at this.”

Many of us punish ourselves daily if we do not do well; if only we knew that action is the ultimate punishment with the worst life sentence. The harsh truth is that most ‘negative emotions’ such as anger, sadness, jealousy and guilt are due to our thoughts rather than the actual situations. A good example to better understand this is how many of us feel when we see an old picture of ourselves. The most common reaction that I’ve witnessed is, “Why did I think I looked badly then? Look at me now!” or “What was I wearing?”. This is not about age or cultural timing; it is solely about what you think is currently valued; it’s based on perception, not fact, and I hope we all know by now that feelings, while valid, are not facts.

Our entire view exists in a self-imposed realm in which expectations, standards, and values exist. We suffer when we do not live up to these ‘requirements’. It’s not all bad as self-doubt is necessary for improvement and to be relatable but for many of us, it’s also our biggest hindrance.
How can we rid these self-enforcing hindrances?

Stop thinking and start doing. Yes, there is an easy way to do this. Pure action is necessary because we tend to fall victim to the belief that confidence and self-esteem bring action, but action instead brings them both. An easy way to confirm this yourself is to write down everything stopping you from a goal. For example, if you would like to start a business, make a visual note of every reason why you believe it’s not possible. When you re-read it, you will find that most line items are internal rather than external. You are going to re-read the reasons for fear, failure, lack of support, etc. These are feelings rather than concrete issues. What is truly self-limiting are your beliefs.

These self-imposed views are also based on our internal monologue. We tend to forget the importance of the word internal and that other people are not privy to our thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to be objective and sparing when you are that close to something.

Reframe how you view these traits. Most people think of perfectionism as a skill; it’s not. This is not always well-received, but being openly self-critical has much to do with others. One reason is that it tends to lead to external validation, as many people will jump into your sentence to disagree with you. It is also a byproduct of people pleasing as we tend to believe that we seem more humble and charming, but the truth is that people are more attracted to confident and self-assuring people. Again, you could be unconsciously doing these things, so maybe do some self-reflection.

Keep in mind the determined effective principle, which is positive reinforcement. For those who may not be familiar with positive and negative reinforcement, there is the believed myth that negative reinforcement is more beneficial than positive- or maybe we were trained to believe it.

Negative reinforcement aims to decrease negative behaviour, and positive reinforcement’s goal is to increase positive behaviour. Let’s use employee engagement as an example. Negative reinforcement involves punishing when wrong- such as write up’s or berating and positive reinforcement involves giving praise when needed.

In-depth research in behaviour has determined that positive reinforcement has resulted in both increased positive behavioural change and longer-lasting effects than negative. For example, your employee is more likely to change his/her behaviour when praised than punished. Also, punishment always seems to take longer- doesn’t it?

In the quest for change, we can go back to the basics for the epiphany that nothing but self-compassion makes sense for growth. It requires a few things: awareness, which is defined as the identification and acknowledgement of suffering; compassion, which is defined as allowing kindness, warmth and understanding and normalising why this pain exists. Shame is defined as self-devaluation, and punishment is defined as intentional harm.

Which do you think are most likely to lead to alleviation and change? Compassion rids pain while punishment keeps it alive.

In case you feel as though you are alone in this, a research study conducted by University of Michigan in 2014 by Freyd et al. determined that we view ourselves more negatively than how we are actually perceived. It highlights the spotlight effect, which is the notion that we overestimate the time that other people spend thinking about us.
Growth is an ongoing process that’s halted by self-criticism. To accelerate growth, we need to build a kinder relationship with ourselves; be your best friend instead of your worst enemy. I think about it all the time- how much better would we all be if we reassured ourselves with the same grace and forgiveness we give everyone else?