MY previous columns on love and how to fall in love, acknowledging that some people may be unconsciously sabotaging their own relationships due to fear, has led to many other interesting questions. One reader mentioned that she wants to avoid relationships altogether because she is tired of someone other than herself having control over her emotions, and boy, do I think we all know what that feels like.

There are different variations, if our partner is upset, occasionally we are upset too- sometimes this is healthy support and other times, it’s the inability to control our own emotions. What I gathered from her email was the latter, and therefore, I’m going to discuss ways that we can better control our own emotions, despite those of others around us.

First of all, I would never advise shying away from emotions as the ability to feel and express them is more important than most realise.
Our emotions can motivate and inspire us unless, of course, we become victims of them because as much as we would like to believe otherwise, moods are often contagious.

During arguments or being around other’s negative emotions, if healthily felt, is what aids us in feeling empathy, decision-making and conflict resolution, among many other things.
However, if we do not have control over channelling these emotions, they can take a negative toll on our everyday lives. One of the hardest things about other people’s bad moods and feelings is the emotions they tend to stir up in us. For example, our partner is upset and showing it, so we get frustrated, or our co-worker is openly annoyed, so we become irritated. This can be normal, but how can we know if our emotions are affecting us in negative ways? It is if it causes issues in relationships, friendships, productivity, motivation and encourages unhealthy behaviours such as substance use or abuse.

Often, it is human nature to mimic the moods of those we care about, but there are things we can do to avoid this. It is important to understand and believe that other people’s opinions and feelings are a reflection of them, not you. There are a hundred reasons outside of us why people feel the way they do. The person could have had an issue at work, with their family or just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. It happens. However, if you were not directly involved, your only job as a good partner, family member or friend is to ask if they are okay. If they take their anger out on you, below are the best options.

The first piece of advice will always be to disengage from the person and situation. Leave until you can understand and control your own emotions. This is not to be cruel, but to avoid further and unnecessary conflict.
Avoid emotional numbing – this alone time is to process your own emotions which arose from the situation. There are a few things to do during this alone time.

When you have identified your emotions, treat them as a puzzle rather than a problem. In other words, there is something to figure out, not fix. When someone we care about is angry or sad, and that mood rubs off on us, it is not for us to solve, but to simply show compassion and understand it. We switch our thinking from one of fixing the problem to just curiosity, which makes it far easier to show compassion, empathy and willingness to be supportive.

During this time alone, it is also beneficial for you to validate your own emotions. If someone is upset and taking it out on you, which causes a change in your mood, that is normal and okay for you to feel negative emotions about that; it is reasonable on your part and this validation allows you to think of a positive and corrective way forward.

Next is to clarify your responsibility in the situation. I hope you already know that you cannot control someone else’s feelings, nor should you be expected to change them. If we assume responsibility for things beyond our control (like someone else’s emotions), we set ourselves up for unnecessary disappointment and possibly resentment. Your role and responsibility (depending on the situation) could be to show support, and empathy and offer solutions if asked, not much else.

After this self-reflection, it would be beneficial to participate in any activity which boosts your mood. If your mood has been affected, your first priority should be to lift your own mood, not anyone else’s. Unfortunately, it also tends to be human nature to participate in activities that currently support our current mood. For example, if we are sad, we are more likely to isolate or be unproductive than do something to change our mood. However, that is a cycle we can change. Do activities that make you feel good about yourself, that make you feel happy and confident.

Now, when you are good and in control of your own emotions, you can re-engage with the person. This will be different depending on whether you were a contributor to the mood or not (meaning if there was a fight etc.) If you were a contributor, it’s best to return as viewing the problem as a collective “us” issue rather than a “you” issue. It’s often said that healthy couples, or any relationship for that matter, fight as them against the problem rather than making each other the problem. If you are a part of the problem, acknowledging your role and a healthy willingness to discuss solutions is always the best way to go- no blame games. If you were not a part of the problem which caused the mood, the best advice is to just listen to what the person has to say.

A pro tip that I hope everyone takes seriously please do not rely on anyone for peace of mind or your own happiness; you and you alone are responsible for that. Also, we are aiming here for emotional regulation, not emotional repression. Human beings are emotional creatures and that is not a bad thing, once we learn how to control these emotions and deal with them in a positive way.
Thank you for reading. Please continue to send suggested topics to caitlinvieira@gmail.com