TWO weeks ago, I wrote about important features of a healthy relationship. I received a few emails- some even acknowledging what was lacking in their relationship with a personal promise to do better. However, one particular email stuck out. A reader asked me how they can fall in love. I was intrigued, yet unsure I could write about the topic as it is so subjective, and there is no real, proven scientific way to make someone fall in love. We just feel how we feel and go through the motions, or do we? Having given it some thought, I think that you can choose to love.

It’s a tough one as almost everyone has a different definition of what love is, and more so, it is typically believed that one generally cannot force feelings and emotions, especially one as natural as love. This reader, in particular, claims he has never been in love, despite efforts of becoming so. There could be forces that subconsciously block the possibility of love in your life. I’m going to explore that possibility and what we can do if we are scared or feel unable to love, but want to.

I would like to acknowledge that there are many reasons people feel an ability to love. These can range from childhood trauma or personal experience of being hurt. I always recommend seeking professional help to break down those projected barriers in these situations.

First of all, the scientist in me wants to say that love is simply a feeling made from chemicals in the brain such as oxytocin, which are ignited when something that brings us comfort and happiness happens – this could be anything from just seeing a person to them doing special little things for us. However, are there behavioural things that we can do to fall in love? Let’s find out.

First, I think an important question to ask yourself is, why do you want to fall in love with this person? Is it something that will benefit you emotionally, mentally and physically? Will it benefit the other person the same way? Are you good for each other?

This means before you dive in, you should have a realistic view of the complexities of love. The beginning stage of attraction is all science -chemicals and hormones- but I believe that staying in a relationship and fighting to make it work is a series of conscious and unconscious choices.

Another important question for you and the person of your desire, is, do you really want this? This will become clearer if you ask yourself the aforementioned of why you want to fall in love in the first place. Keep in mind it is only fair to both you and the desired individual that you work on something that you truly want in your life.

If you have decided that it is something that you want to do and it will benefit all involved, try the below and let me know how it goes.
Choose something that you have never done and do it with this person, especially if it is something that you have always wanted to do. This will release endorphins such as serotonin and dopamine, but this creates emotional bonds outside of hormones, where a connection and memory is made between two people that no one else can ever be a part of.

Spend quality time alone for intimate chats. These are the long, uninterrupted conversations we have when we are getting to know someone. It is calm, truthful, and the most common topics are family, work, life goals/dreams, fears etc.
For love to grow, there has to be true vulnerability and a genuine human connection.

During these intimate chats, focus on the other person’s best qualities. No, this does not mean ignoring bright red flags. If something seems wrong, run. However, you will never meet a perfect person, someone who ticks every box and does every single thing you like. This is where compromise comes in in relationships. Not everything requires running away, many things can be compromised on. So in the beginning, focus just on the positive aspects of that person.

While physiologically, it takes just one-fifth of a second for those endorphins to rise for attraction and infatuation- that’s where the term ‘love at first sight’ came from- falling deeply in love is a process that cannot and should not be rushed. Be patient, don’t put too much pressure on the situation and let love organically fall into place.

Also, needless to say, but still going to anyway, there is a big difference between loving someone and being IN love. Some of you may have heard that many times, but I’m not sure the distinction was thought through and properly experienced.

As long as the correct elements are there – attraction, chemistry, interest, etc- one can love another human being. There may not be much thought or choice put into this one. I see this all the time: people set out to have casual relationships but end up having more feelings than intended, but I have never been convinced that they truly fell in love.

Being IN love is not just physically and sprinkled with intellectual attraction, but it is a deep, emotionally healthy intimacy that I genuinely believe very few people have ever experienced in their lifetime.
The difference here could be that love is something that happens to you, but falling in love and working on that is a choice, as you have to choose the healthy aspects which make the relationship stay strong – the communication, respect, safety etc- giving that to someone is absolutely a choice.

Think about it, if we choose not to let our guard down and be vulnerable, we are choosing not to love. If you refuse to spend time and have intimate chats, you are choosing not to love.
So, if we can choose not to, we most certainly can choose to. Right?

I would love to know all your opinions. Do you think we can choose to fall in love, or that is beyond our control?
Please also continue to send topic requests/suggestions to caitlinvieira@gmail.com