Differentiating between love and abuse

LAST week was the week of love, it was Valentine’s Day on Monday and everyone was busy shopping and preparing grand gestures for their loved ones. Valentine’s Day is usually celebrated amongst couples across the world and it often references the colour red that symbolises the feeling and virtue of love. I was left pondering a bit on what the definition of love is and realised that love doesn’t have one fit definition. It is defined differently by everyone who feels and receives it. To love and be loved can be empowering for some, but it can also be oppressing for others. Hence, the definition of love will always vary from person to person; likewise, from society to society. What then does it mean to be loved as a woman in Guyana? That’s the question I’ve been asking myself all week and why I decided to share my thoughts on this topic through this week’s column.

The idea of “Love” can be liberating for some women in Guyana, but it can also be excruciatingly oppressive for some. To “love” a man in some households means: to please his every need, even if you’re not in the mood, to be abused and endure his wrath or to feel as if divorce equals death. Some girls are taught that leaving an abusive home is never the option because if you “love” him, you’ll abide with it. Some women were socialised to think that obsession or overprotective traits in men equate to them caring deeply for you. This can also translate to the “love” some families have for women and girls. Some girls are brainwashed into believing that the abuse they face from their parents or relatives are “out of love.” The subjectiveness to oppressive gender roles, unpaid labour, servitude, inhumane sexual expectations are all camouflaged as “love” for women and girls in certain parts of Guyana. This is a recurring, generational curse and reality for many—it seems never-ending. These toxic ideologies that are used synonymously with the feelings of “love” are an ongoing social issue that seems to plague the women of our country. I stopped opening the newspaper for some time last year because every time I do, my day was spoilt after reading about murder-suicide incidents amongst lovers in our country. These said incidents are probably linked to how the overall traditional Guyanese culture defines love and a woman’s role in a “loving” relationship.

While our definitions of love are different and unique to us and our experiences, it’s always important to remember that love should be liberating, empowering, fruitful, kind and patient. Love is good and it should not leave you tired or drained; and it is also the complete opposite of what Kanye West does on social media, whilst claiming how much he loves his ex-wife; Kim Kardashian. I think many abusers try to soften their tones or actions with the word “love.” Have you ever heard TV interviews of murderers who killed their wives or of disgraceful abusers behind bars? Some out of the bunch always talk about how much they loved/love their wives. Did they really love those women, though? It’s even worse when a woman herself has no idea of what good intentions or healthy relationships look like (for reasons of being brainwashed, coming from a dysfunctional family or otherwise), and she meets a man who tells her the things she always wanted to hear. The vulnerability in relationships like those often results in severe abuse and manipulation. In essence, some women cannot differentiate between love and abuse, because they grew up believing those two completely opposing actions are one thing. Love is many things, but it is not abusive, and it should not hurt—love and abuse cannot co-exist.

It’s never too late to break these toxic generational cycles. I urge you to dictate what boundaries you ought to set when you’re in love, the type of love you’d like to receive and the type of love you’re willing to give. You should also remember to be kind to yourself and never allow anyone’s disrespectful definition of “love” to define the things you want out of this short life of ours.