TODAY I was asked to discuss a situation that unfortunately too many couples go through- statistically more than half. I want to start by saying that there is nothing that we can ever do to prevent someone from being unfaithful to us. Being controlling or policing another individual does not work, so I can’t tell you how to avoid being cheated on- but I can advise you on how to overcome it.

Being cheated on is one of the most gut-wrenching experiences to deal with, which automatically makes cheating on another person hurtful. That’s a pretty simple stance to take, but nothing that comes along with cheating is simple. Firstly, there are different types of cheating such as emotional or physical. Emotional occurs when your partner inappropriately communicates with another person in a way that they are supposed to communicate with you. It’s very subjective as to whether that hurts less than the physical type of affair. I think they are equally painful as both destroy trust, sense of safety and affect the victim’s self-esteem and self-worth.

There is no right way to deal with being cheated on as it depends on so many things such as your individuals’ characteristics, the type of relationship you had etc. However, I know you are feeling an overwhelming whirlwind of emotions. These may include sadness, anger, doubt, anxiety, regret, or humiliation. They may also quickly switch as you may feel sad one minute but incredibly angry the next – this is normal. You may also go through the five stages of grief- denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – this is also normal.

So how can we deal with these feelings?
Firstly- you are never to blame if someone is unfaithful to you. It was their choice. Even if you did something that was terrible, it could have been handled another way. People do hurtful things for many ‘reasons’ that allow them to feel justified – but none of those reasons are your fault. Start healing by putting yourself first. The most important person in this situation is you, so take care of yourself. I’ll tell you a little secret and it’s not to diminish love. What is love? The feeling of love is due to certain chemicals in the brain such as serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin. You know what else releases those chemicals? Time with friends, healthy eating, exercise, music, and the list goes on.

Before making any decisions- truly think about what you want. Do you want to stay? Do you want to leave? Can you still trust this person? How will you best move forward?

To help with these decisions, take some space away from your partner. If you can take some time away with friends or family, take physical space to help clear your head. If you can’t leave the home- sleep in a different area.

If you have social media, take a small break. Most people would use it to try out their detective skills, or you will see things that will trigger you.

Don’t make decisions out of fear or irrational thought. It is one of the scariest things and thoughts in the world- to start over, especially if you’ve been in a long-term relationship. But use rational thought. Is the relationship as good as you remember it now? We tend to only remember the good when we are hurting and sometimes, we think we are losing more than we actually are. Do you have a realistic view of what the relationship was?

Don’t stay because you are afraid to be single or you feel you may never find someone else. Literally half of the adult married population now are going through a divorce.

Don’t compare yourself to other people. We all know someone who has been cheated on or separated and they all act differently as everyone’s timeline is different. Everyone’s reaction is different. You may think someone handled a similar situation “better than you”- there is no such thing.

To help, you can bring and build new meaning into your life. Being in a relationship is not the only thing to bring meaning. You can also work on building your current relationships, making new friends, being more active in your community, finding things you want to improve about yourself and working on them – examples, be a good communicator, work on conflict resolution skills – it can be absolutely anything.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help but- and I wish to stress this- from the right people only. This includes family or friends who will not judge you or your partner nor force any decision on you. It would also be beneficial to talk to someone who has been through a similar situation. This also includes professional help if needed- a psychologist to heal or a relationship counselor if you decide to stay.

Don’t lash out and try to get any kind of revenge. Sometimes we compromise our morals and integrity to do this, which almost always makes us feel worse. Focus on healing instead. Don’t rush to be in another relationship. I know we feel like it may help, but it’s just a distraction and being distracted is not the same as healing. If you quickly enter another relationship, you are likely to take your previous, unresolved fears and insecurities into it and it will also be unhealthy.

Finally, forgive your partner- whether you stay in the relationship or not. This is not for them- it’s so that you release all your anger that may weigh on you and allow you to be cynical.

People often ask me whether they should stay in a relationship after their partner has been unfaithful. I never have a solid answer to that because it really depends on the situation. Many people make a one-off mistake and want to be and are better for their partners after- some even have a better relationship after. However, some do not stop the cheating and their partners are continuously hurt. Some want to forgive but truly cannot. The relationship is good at times and you think you are healing but the conversation comes up every time there is conflict- it may be constantly thrown in your partner’s face every time you are angry, sometimes for years after – and that means you have not and probably will not be able to heal from this. I will say this as well – the person who broke you cannot be the one to heal you. You must do this elsewhere.

If you’ve thought about it and have decided to stay- that’s okay and only your choice to make – forget about any judgement or unsolicited opinions.

As that may be the case, next week I will discuss how to overcome infidelity with your partner as well as improve your relationship.

Thanks for reading. Please continue to send topic requests to caitlinvieira@gmail.com