A LOYAL reader of my column, who claims that her marriage is strained, asked me to speak about how to better get along with your partner. I think this is vital information now as COVID-19 has ensured that we spend more time with our partners than ever before.

First, if you are worried about the future of your relationship, you have plenty of company. People always get married thinking it will last forever (obviously) but sadly, in our generation, the general statistic is that one in two marriages will end in divorce. Let’s try to change that :). Love and relationships are rarely ever easy. People say that if it was meant to be, it will be easy. That’s just silly. It is often hard for anyone to put someone else’s needs, wants and desires above their own. It is often hard to compromise on things that you really do not want to compromise on. It is hard to be accountable for someone other than yourself. It is hard to change some things about yourself to suit someone else. Whoever says you should never change yourself to suit someone else, doesn’t understand what it means to be in a relationship. There are mutual expectations in a functioning and loving relationship. There will be many instances of self-sacrifice to love and live harmoniously with another human being. No two people get along constantly without effort.

Some say that if it’s real love, there wouldn’t be any fights. Again, this is absurd as fighting is inevitable, but luckily can actually bring benefits to the relationship. It brings to light what your partner likes and doesn’t like, what their personal boundaries are; what they are willing to take and what they are willing to give. The important part is HOW you fight and what you say during fights. In my opinion, not fighting is easy, actually being able to respectfully handle differences is the hard part.

Something I learned later than I wanted to is that we get back the love we give. There are of course exceptions and extreme cases – but for the average couple and the average love, we get exactly the love that we give. If we want kindness, we must give kindness, if we want respect, we must give respect and if we want heavy displays of love, we must give it.

There are a few essentials to make love and a relationship work. I will say with absolute certainty that a relationship (not just marriage) cannot work without mutual respect, trust and kindness.

It seems obvious to say this, but if it was that obvious so many marriages wouldn’t fail. Maybe people want to show these to their partners but they cannot. Maybe, you know that these factors are important but you’re not exactly sure why. This is what I would like to focus on today. Respect, trust and Kindness. How important these are!
Let’s start with respect. People underestimate the power of this.

Steve Hall said, “the truest form of love is how you behave toward someone, not how you feel about them.”

However, the most important thing to remember is that you need to respect yourself first. I believe that respect for ourselves is what allows us to have ethics, while respect for others is what allows us to have etiquette- both of which are needed for a functioning relationship.

It is no secret that verbal abuse is widespread in our community, especially in relationships. We have all been guilty of this. We tend to speak to our partners worse than anyone else – this definitely should not be the case.

People believe that love includes respect. It does not. They believe that love trumps respect. It does not. From the other side, we have to display behaviours worth respecting as respect is earned over time, not expected. To do this, we (again), first respect ourselves and then we set and uphold clear and fair boundaries. Our partners are not mind readers and they do not automatically know what needs respecting. Boundaries make both partners feel heard, safe and cared for.

How do we show respect?
It is not easy to show respect as it’s required at all times- especially during fights/anger.

It has different forms, it’s not just the absence of physical or verbal abuse. Not speaking at all is a sign of disrespect. Not valuing your partner’s opinions, beliefs, religion, family etc. are signs of disrespect. Being unfaithful is a sign of disrespect. Arguing in public is a sign of disrespect. Not apologizing when you are wrong is disrespect. The world would be a much better place if people stopped trying to justify their mistakes and just apologize. Not showing gratitude when it needs to be shown is disrespect. Respect your partner both in front of their face and behind their back.

People who speak badly of their partners when they are not around do not show respect. Simply put, treat your partner the way you would want to be treated. Seriously, it’s called ‘the golden rule’ for a reason.

Kindness
I’d have hoped that this one was obvious by now but it isn’t. Mutual kindness is vital in making a relationship work. It’s easy to be mean; being kind is the difficult approach, especially if you feel that one may not deserve it at the time.

It does take effort, especially when angered, but there is a simple but very effective way of being kind- think before you speak! The world would also be a better place if people thought about what they are going to say, as well as its effects, before speaking.

Kindness comprises of many things as well. I’d say the most important is the willingness to comprise as this is basically putting your partner’s feelings and wants before your own. It requires consideration.

Kindness also requires attention. We all have a lot going on- all the time. Kindness is putting aside your own feelings/ situations and focusing on your partner’s. I also think most of the problems in a relationship are caused by how something is said rather than what is actually said. People need to feel comfortable with venting their concerns; what they like and do not like.

However, keep in mind that there is a difference between complaining and criticising. It’s fine to complain – for example, saying “the garbage needs to be taken out” or “the dogs need to be fed” multiple times can be considered complaining, yes. However, when it turns into “you never take the garbage out” or “why can’t you just be helpful for once and feed the dogs?” becomes criticism. It’s when one begins to attack the personal character rather than the behaviour. That becomes the problem.

Kindness also means to love your partner the way they need to be loved, not the way you do.

I read a book called “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman and it was the best education on love that I’ve ever had. I recommend that everyone in a relationship buy this book and read it together.

It basically explains that everyone loves differently and therefore require different types of love-much like a completely different language. There were five which were Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch.

For example, you might base your love on words of affirmation- such as I love you, I need you and all sorts of compliments. You might need this and therefore you assume your partner needs this type of love to be happy as well. That’s not the case. More often than not, your partner has a different love language than you do. For example, they might like Physical touch and therefore, will be expressing physical touch to you. All the while, all you want is words of affirmation. It’s genius and may very well be the reason so many marriages fail. Decide what your and your partner’s love language is and express theirs to them, not yours.

Trust
Trust is a must. This is a little rhyme to remember.

Trusting someone with your heart and happiness is very difficult but a proper foundation cannot be built without trust. Without trust, there is insecurity, doubt and fear- all things that limit the potential intimacy of a healthy relationship. . It is the hardest thing to gain and sadly the easiest thing to lose.

It takes two to trust and building and upholding trust requires one simple thing- honesty. Well, I shouldn’t exactly call it simple because if it was easy, everyone would do it. It does cause discomfort and hurt but through that, one finds trust. That being said, you need to be someone your partner feels he/she can be honest with. Your level of understanding and compassion must be high; your reactions not too over the top.

There are different types and levels of trust. One needs to trust that the other will be sexually faithful, yes but one also needs to trust that the other will be emotionally faithful. One needs to trust that the other has their best interest at heart- that they will not control or reject the other. One needs to trust that the other will love them- even when they hate them- without any selfish reasons. One needs to be able to trust that the other will not abandon them during hard times but rather make them a priority. Trusting someone completely is a terrifying thought but looking at the potential benefits, it is a risk worth taking.

If these are not currently prominent factors or situations in your relationship, not to worry. Love, respect, trust etc. – do not look at these as feelings but rather activities or skills. Upholding a healthy relationship is a skill and like any other skill, there needs to be constant practice to improve. All you need to do is decide where you are most lacking and start from there.

Thanking you for reading. Please keep sending any topics you’d like to talk about to caitlinvieira@gmail.com Or WhatsApp me for personal counselling sessions +592 623 0433
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