Names have been changed to protect identities

RELATIONSHIPS should be healthy, whether they’re between adults and children, mothers and fathers, or people with whom they come into contact. Whoever you interact with, you need to feel comfortable and confident, and you need the person to also feel at ease. It doesn’t cost much to be courteous to workmates, children, relatives or strangers, having good relationships with people gives you peace of mind and less stress in your life.
Relationships built on rocky foundations can be unhealthy. Traits such as manipulation or controlling behaviour, lack of trust and communication between parties and deceit causes dysfunction. When one party is forever putting down the other or when one seeks to dominate the other through passive-aggressive behaviour, these are also matters of concern. If the harmful elements are not recognised, discussed and rectified by the parties without delay, they usually lead to problems, arguments and even (domestic) violence.

Anything unsettling in a relationship should be dealt with and nipped in the bud, rather than left to fester. Love sometimes turns to hate when ‘little things’ and inner thoughts are not brought to the forefront and dealt with. When they are glossed over day by day, adults lose focus of the problems and how they began; all they know is they can’t stand each other anymore. There is a saying in Guyana, ‘teeth and tongue must bite,’ which means that in every relationship, there will be disagreements and arguments. But adults must know where to draw the line and when to admit that their relationship is not just bad – but toxic.
After living with her partner for several years and giving birth to two children, Cynthia explained, ‘I would be eating my dinner in the kitchen, and as soon as I heard his key in the door, my stomach felt full, I didn’t want to eat anymore. We were at each other day and night quarrelling, shouting and angry about nothing in particular; we just couldn’t ‘take’ each other anymore. Our relationship was over, but we lived together because neither of us had anywhere else to go.’

Rather than live in a toxic environment, when parties know their relationship is irreconcilable, it is healthier for them to live part. Ronnie, a father of three, was in an equally destructive relationship, he said, “I wanted to give our marriage one last try to see if I could make it work. My mother was a single parent, and I didn’t want my children growing up without a father. But too much bitterness had passed between my wife and me; we could not work it out or reach common ground. She didn’t trust me, and I doubted her loyalty, these negative vibes were going on for years and tainted everything we aimed to achieve as a family.
“When my seven-year-old daughter begged me not to quarrel with mummy today, it was the last straw; I had to leave. We were making each other miserable, and it was affecting our children.”
Reginald lived with his girlfriend and son for many years, but their household was not a happy one; he recalls, “While arguing one day I wanted to slap her, I really wanted to get physical. That is when I realised our relationship had hit rock bottom.

I looked at myself and thought, how did I reach this stage? I know this is not how relationships should be. I made up my mind that day to leave. Today I have a better relationship with my ex and my son. I see him regularly and take him to football matches and any place he needs to go. We hang out as often as possible, and it works better this way. I’m glad I made a move.”
Many parents do not realise the spill-over effect their toxic relationships have on their children. They believe that children should weather the storm along with them. But toxicity in relationships leads to displaced anger, aggression, stress, and anxiety in adults. How, then, can they be fair and level-headed in their parental duties, enough so for their offspring to emulate? Instead, they send out confusing and sometimes conflicting messages to children and become perplexed when their children portray problematic behaviour.
Children can benefit from parents having a good relationship whether they live together or apart. But first, they have to care more about their child than their emotions, shortcomings, fears and doubts. Parents are the ones who set a moral compass for children, either collectively or individually, so adults must agree on how they will raise their children.

Witnessing negative adult behaviour can have a long-term effect on children’s physical, emotional and social health. It could lead to depression and substance dependency. Most parents want to see their children grow up to be healthy inside and out and become valuable members of society. Parents can achieve this goal by providing the right environment for their children, not one filled with conflict, aggression, hostility, antagonism, or bitterness; these negative aspects can harm children, even if they seem to be striving and coping well. There is a better way to raise children and parents are the key.
If you are concerned about the welfare of a child, call the CPA hotline on 227 0979 or write to us at childcaregy@gmail.com
A MESSAGE FROM THE CHILDCARE AND PROTECTION AGENCY,
MINISTRY OF HUMAN SERVICES AND SOCIAL SECURITY