LAST week, two of my readers expressed their worry about the possibility of not enjoying their favourite time of year (as they haven’t been enjoying much else). They were concerned about the heartbreak they are experiencing and asked me for some information on how to overcome the sadness that comes with the end of a long-term relationship.

To feel heartbreak is to feel a deep emotional loss. I know it’s not what you guys want to hear, but it’s meant to be hard and we are supposed to grieve after trauma like that- that’s the only healthy way to get over it.

While all human experiences differ, the universal symptoms of heartbreak are persistent sadness, anger, crying, overthinking as well as an inability to eat or sleep. It really does feel never-ending. I actually think people go through the five stages of grief during the process of a breakup. These are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and, finally, acceptance. For instance, during a typical breakup, we don’t want to believe that it’s actually over which causes us to make unrealistic promises to both our partner and ourselves.

We then become angry with or blame the breakup on either our partner or ourselves. We may then plead with our former significant other to try one last time to make things work. When this does not have an effect, we fall into the deep sadness that accompanies this loss until enough time has passed for us to finally accept the situation and move forward.

While time really is the best medicine, in this case, there are things that can be done to speed up the recovery process.
The thing about psychology is that it’s a form of science and there has been research conducted to support the effectiveness of everything I’m about to mention- all you have to do is apply it where you can. A particular research study conducted in the United States now comes to mind.

Researchers decided to test three methods to determine which led to a decrease in negative feelings towards an ex. They recruited newly, single participants and divided them into four groups. The first group was asked to think negative things about their ex- these were the things that really bothered them while they were in the relationship. The second group was asked to accept the feelings they were currently having without beating themselves up – giving them sentences to read such as “It’s ok to love someone I’m no longer with.”

The third group was asked to think about things that generally made them happy- things that did not involve their past significant other at all. The fourth and final group was used as a neutral group and were asked to just sit in the room, without thinking of anything in particular – their thoughts could wander wherever. After the participants were placed into these groups, they were shown love themed scenes as well as pictures of their ex. The frequency and intensity of their emotions were again measured by the researchers. All three of the strategies were found to decrease the emotional responses that the participants initially had. This means that by practising any of the three above strategies, they felt less anger and sadness when seeing their ex.

Although painful, I never understood why people regret being in love. Knowing that you’re capable of that emotion, is knowing that you have a loving, caring heart and you’re not afraid of being vulnerable to it. Having said that, accept what you are feeling as the more you fight it, the longer you will feel it. Drowning out the pain with alcohol or other drugs will do nothing but extend the pain, trust me. Get the negative energy out in a healthy way- cry, scream into a pillow- whatever it is you need to do to really feel it.

Despite the pain that comes with it, realism is your friend right now- in every way possible. Most people have skewed memories of their relationship after a break-up, only remembering the few good times or personal wrongs. Many forget all the arguments, reasons not to trust and the times where their partner made them feel worthless – the realistic and truthful view of what it actually was (most of the time).

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not beneficial to pretend that you were never in love with that person. The key is acknowledging and accepting what qualities you did love about them and believe that you can find those qualities in other people.
For those really struggling to get to grips with reality, it is best to list reasons why the relationship did not work out or reasons why that particular person may not be for you. Read this every day if you have to.

Practice forgiveness- with or without an apology. I won’t get into this too much as I discussed forgiveness last week but I’ll say that any anger or hatred that you hold on to will also extend your grief period.

Set aside a grieving time – this has been very helpful with many of my clients. I ask them to set aside a half hour a day to fully feel the pain of the breakup. Throughout the day, the mind will wander toward it but you can say to yourself for example, ‘deal with it at seven’. Find a comfortable and quiet place to look at pictures, listen to music that brings up memories- anything that makes you feel what happen. Most people cry for the whole half hour and then they automatically start to see the grieving time decreasing- without even trying to.

If you have social media, unfollow your ex-partner. This may seem childish but it’s definitely not to be mean. Out of sight, out of mind is a cliché for a reason. Ask those around you not to bring it to your attention. I feel everyone in Guyana does this -‘ey I saw your ex out last night, he was happy or talking to this other person’. This is such a hurtful thing to do to someone. Even if you tell them that their ex looks broken without them, you are hindering their recovery.

Do not become friends with an ex right away. I never get how people do this as it is nearly impossible to become friends immediately after a break-up, please don’t even try. I know that person was once close to you and will remain very near and dear, but you need to have mentally moved on before even attempting a friendship. It’s common to be curious about what your ex is doing but does it feel good knowing that you are actively contributing to your own pain and slow recovery?

Finally, I hope you all know by now how much better we feel when we maintain a healthy lifestyle – eat well, sleep well, exercise and don’t abuse substances. Incorporating these suggestions will decrease the ache until time heals it. Do not allow this experience to harden your loving heart.

Thanking you for reading. Please keep sending any topics you’d like to talk about to caitlinvieira@gmail.com
Suicide Prevention Helpline numbers: 223-0001, 223-0009, 623-4444, 600-7896

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