I RECEIVED many responses to last week’s piece on sexual abuse, especially the question of whether it is possible to forgive your abuser and how to go about doing so.

I want to clarify a few things before I begin. Forgiveness does not, in any way, mean that you condone abuse or are justifying it. It does not mean that you will ever forget what has happened. It does not alter the reality of sexual abuse being wrong and damaging.

It does not require an apology or mean reconciliation. Forgiveness does not mean to pardon the act with no legal/judicial consequences for the abuser; Justice still takes place during forgiveness. It does, however, mean that you have accepted what has happened to you and that you are ready to move forward. Most importantly, forgiveness is for you, the victim, to finally find peace; forgiveness is never for the other person but rather your first step in releasing that crippling, all-consuming anger and hatred that comes with your memories.

Forgiveness brings abuse into the light. Many surviving victims want to forget or stifle those feelings. This typically leads to the development of unhealthy coping skills such as physical self-harm-cutting or overuse of food, alcohol or other drugs. Forgiveness indicates a clear acceptance and understanding of what has happened to you. It takes away the feelings of victimisation and allows for a feeling of control. Additionally, research done on victims of abuse has determined that those who managed to forgive their abuser experienced lower levels of anxiety and depression and higher levels of self-worth and hope for recovery.

Please understand that there is also an appropriate time frame to practice forgiveness and it is not shortly after the abuse. If someone opens up to you and say they were recently abused, forgiveness is not necessarily the place to start; their mental health comes first.

If they are practising good coping skills and are ready to move forward, then hopefully forgiveness would be an option but it is their choice and their choice only. Only the victim will know the right time to try and forgive and must therefore never be pressured into doing so. Typically, forgiveness can only happen if the abuse has already stopped as of course, it is almost impossible to forgive someone for the wrong they are currently doing. Forgiveness comes when there is a feeling of safety.

Because forgiveness is an important part of religious beliefs for many faiths, a lot of the research done on forgiveness mention God. However, please keep in mind that it can be a God of your own understanding and can be absolutely anything. If you are not religious, that’s completely okay and does not mean that forgiveness won’t come to you. You can still practice the tips, excluding what you see fit.

A 2007 book by Jessica Tracy called The Self-conscious Emotions discusses types, as well as how to begin practising forgiveness. She proposed three types of forgiveness which included: (Directly adapted from research)

1. “Judicial Forgiveness – Forgiveness that is granted only by God. This type of forgiveness, however, is contingent on confession, the acknowledgement of sin, and a form of repentance. Therefore since judicial forgiveness must be given by God, an abuse survivor should not be pressured into giving absolute forgiveness.

2. Psychological Forgiveness – This type of forgiveness involves the personal healing journey of the person who experienced the pain. This two-part process involves initially letting go of hatred and personal revenge or turning it over to God. Part Two involves extending grace to the perpetrator.

3. Relational Forgiveness – This type of forgiveness describes the process of restoring or reconciling a relationship. This can occur only after the perpetrator has displayed genuine repentance.”
Additionally, she proposed five practical behavioural techniques. (Adapted directly from research):

1. “Clarify the offence (s) and resultant negative emotions. Identifying the ways one has been harmed is an essential preliminary step to forgiveness. Holding the perpetrator solely responsible is important for getting rid of false guilt and self-blame.

2. Determine appropriate boundaries to check evil and stimulate repentance–The victim determines the appropriate boundaries for the protection of self. For instance, the victim should not be pressured to attend family events where the perpetrator is present in order to “prove” she has forgiven him.

3. Deliberately let go of the right to hurt an abuser for the hurt they have inflicted – This step involves turning over the responsibility of justice and judgment to God.

4. Revaluate the abuser and discover their humanity- Consider the perpetrator as a fellow human being.

5. Extend appropriate grace – Allowing the perpetrator to experience God’s healing.”
A typical healing tool recommended by psychologists is the approach method which involves confronting your abuser. There are two ways of doing this. The first involves the physical/verbalised confrontation which despite what it sounds is not meant to be violent in any way. This is where the victim tells the perpetrator that the abused is remembered as well as the effects it has had. – How it has made you feel, the negative things it has caused you to do etc. Whatever you think will be helpful to get off your chest.

For some, this seems or may actually be an impossible task. This could be due to fear, distance or death of the abuser. In this case, writing a letter to the abuser is recommended. You do not have to send it to them. The act of writing it all down and fully expressing how you feel is healing in itself. When you are finished, read it aloud and then destroy it. Many victims of abuse claimed that doing this provided closure they never thought possible.

Ensure you develop/practice new and healthy coping skills as most victims of sexual abuse do not. The key is to find new and healthy behaviours or hobbies that make you feel good. This can be anything from dancing to an art project.

Much research has also shown the benefits of support groups. To my knowledge, there are no support groups specifically for sexual abuse at the moment in Guyana despite its prevalence. Why not start one as sadly, there are many around you who have been abused. If you are already aware of these people, meet with them once a week (or whatever is convenient) to each discuss your feelings towards it. This will allow for the acceptance and freedom of speech that comes with forgiveness.

“The first and often the only person to be healed by forgiveness is the person who does the forgiveness…When we genuinely forgive, we set a prisoner free and then discover that the prisoner we set free was us.” Lewis Smedes

Thanking you for reading. Please keep sending any topics you’d like to talk about to caitlinvieira@gmail.com
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