I MUST admit, I have been avoiding this topic for a number of reasons; mainly because of the variety of feelings that can surface for a survivor.
On the rare occasion where someone would request it, I’d have a private conversation and then refer them further if necessary.

However, I’ve gotten two new requests in the last week (from survivors) so I believe openly talking about it may help the majority. I’ve also come to realise that by avoiding the topic, I may be contributing to the very common problem.
Sexual abuse can take two forms, contact and non-contact. Contact involves the physical such as inappropriate touching (on or under clothes) – anything from stroking to penetration. Non-contact refers to non-physical activities such as sexual grooming, flashing and verbal or online advancements.

The disturbing truth is that both perpetrators and survivors are in our work environments, classrooms, houses of worship, neighbourhoods and even homes.

BREAKING IT DOWN
I believe the most common misconception is that when people hear sexual abuse, sexual assault, rape – any of these words, they imagine a stranger holding a woman down against her will in a dark alley, at three in the morning. This picture represents a very small percentage of victims’ stories. While a large percentage of abuse consists of a male perpetrator and female victim, females are also perpetrators and males are often victims. Additionally, the majority of sexual abuse is done by friends and family and I can’t even begin to tell you how common it is in Guyana.

Incest is especially common which refers to sexual contact between blood family members. This ranges from suggested language to touching to intercourse.
Many people do not think abuse has occurred unless there is vaginal or anal penetration. I want to make this clear, this is absolutely not the case -any inappropriate verbal or physical advancement is abuse. Perpetrators also tend to believe that if there is no direct physical harm/pain or if the child may be too young to remember, it is not considered abuse. Again, this is not the case and believe me, the pain and scars will come eventually.

If someone doesn’t tell you they are experiencing abuse, it does not mean that it’s not taking place. There are many reasons why victims do not speak out; a fear of being judged or blamed for the abuse, a fear of not being believed, a fear of stirring up trouble or they may not even understand that they are being abused. Regarding incest, there is tremendous pressure to remain secretive because of the disruption of the family dynamic it causes. Sometimes, victims blame themselves and often feel they did something to deserve it. It is difficult to process why your loved one and your ‘protector’ would do this, especially since children are mostly taught to just be afraid of strangers.

Abuse, not can, but will and does (every time) cause a wide variety of physical and emotional issues. Unemployment or school drop-out can occur as victims often experience difficulty concentrating, anxiety, and trouble with relationships which typically results in isolation. Victims often lose control of their own emotions and yet still feel as though they can’t or shouldn’t reach out. At this point, unhealthy coping skills are developed to cope/deal with abuse such as physical self- harm (cutting, burning oneself) or abusing alcohol and other drugs. Victims view these behaviours as outlets for their anger and grief.

These coping skills seem to offer temporary relief but eventually lead to additional issues such as self-hatred, isolation or promiscuity coupled with feelings of helplessness and worthlessness. Sexual abuse is also highly associated with a wide range of additional mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, addiction and suicide ideation.

CONSEQUENCES
To the survivors, I want to tell you some things that are common consequences of abuse; things that you are probably ashamed of or may think you are alone in experiencing it. First and foremost, the abuse was/is not your fault.

Victim blaming is far too common and not just locally. No one “invites” abuse- no matter their personality, clothing or alcohol/drug consumption. Thinking they are responsible (in any way) for their abuse is a common rape myth that I really hope one day disappears. Survivors also often blame themselves because they did not physically fight back or explicitly say ‘no’.

This is very common among rape victims for a few reasons; fear, shock/disbelief, self-anger/hatred for trusting the perpetrator to begin with etc. Many victims also become sexually aroused or even climax during the abuse as it is a natural bodily response. This is where self-hatred and even self-doubt comes in, as victims feel they have betrayed their own bodies or even enjoyed the abuse. In this case, A definitely does not equal B. You are not alone in this and the shame is not necessary.

Furthermore, promiscuity, a like and desire for sexual activity is common among sexual abuse survivors. I’ve had so many victims express guilt and shame for this. It is important to understand that when someone is sexually abused, especially over a period of time, sex is not learned as an intimate and loving experience but rather one involving manipulation, control and just generally not anything special. Another common experience for survivors is the want to abuse others.

This is the most tragic effect and is the typical cycle of abuse; those who have been abused themselves are more likely to abuse others. While this is not okay to do, it is common to feel and getting help through counselling for this is possible to rid these feelings.
The most important thing in recovery is to forgive yourself for all of this; to feel as though you deserve the help that is available to you.

HOW CAN WE HELP?
If you suspect someone to be a victim of sexual abuse, always appropriately bring it up to them; the right time, place and preferably with no one else around.
The biggest immediate help you can provide is your ears and shoulders. Listen without judgement or blame, show respect and compassion and always believe them. After this, appropriate measures such as reporting it to authorities or an appointment with a mental health professional should take place.

I need you all to remember that someone’s reality is their reality, we should never tell people what they have or haven’t experienced or what they should or do feel.

Thanking you for reading. Please keep sending any topics you’d like to talk about to caitlinvieira@gmail.com
Say Yes to Life and No to Drugs! Always!
Suicide Prevention Helpline – 223-0001, 223-0009, 623-4444 or 600-7896
Do not be afraid to reach out!