I HAVE been in a relationship just over two years. I was 23 when I met him; he was 28. At the beginning, I wasn’t that interested; but as time went by, I realised how good we were together, and that I really do love him. After about a year, his brothers started dropping hints; my family started asking questions; and there was a rumour about a ring. My contract was about to come to an end, with a strong possibility of me going away, so I expected at some stage there would be a proposal.
To put this into perspective, I am very religious; and so is my family. From Day One, I have been very, very clear that I believe in marriage, and I do not believe in living with someone beforehand. If he had a problem with this, he never told me.
After about 20 months, friends of ours got engaged at a party. I mentioned I would like to get engaged one day, and he told me he would only start thinking about it five years from then.
When I said I didn’t want to wait that long, he freaked out. He told me my “pushing the issue” meant he saw no future with me, and would never marry someone without living with her first.
We broke up, but talked things out a few days later, and he said he did see me as the one he would marry. Since then he has again mentioned living together, well aware he is making me the barrier to things moving to the next level, because it’s the one thing I absolutely will not do.
We’ve been fighting at least once or twice a month, badly, since then. He accuses me of not trusting him; I feel if he doesn’t want to marry me, I must be not good enough. Friends who have dated less than us are already engaged or married. It keeps happening, and I keep having to go to their wedding or functions and be happy for them, and it is making me really bitter.
After that first fight, I promised myself I wouldn’t mention marriage for at least a year. It’s 10 months to go, and I don’t think I can do it. I’m scared to mention it again, since the reaction was so explosive last time. I feel so unwanted and worthless.
I’m scared to mention it again, but I feel I have to deal with it before it kills our relationship in a really ugly way. Please help; I love him so much, but I don’t know what I can do.

Eve

Eve,
When a man says he will think about marriage in five years, he hasn’t promised to marry you in five years; he is renewing his option to date you for five years without any expectation of marriage.
A timeline for marriage belongs to the very young. They think, ‘I have to wait until I am out of college, or a year or two into my job.’ For people who are in love, they date until they both know they are in love, and then the proposal comes. It is not an endless cycle of dating.
He’s basically saying it will take five years for him to know if he is in love with you. That’s not right. No auto dealer would let you test-drive a car for seven years. What he is in love with is what the relationship is right now. This is not the experience of two people in love.
The passage of seasons, the rhythms of nature, the stages of life are all patterns. Each of us has a kind of internal music going on, and yours and his are not in harmony.
The one for you is still out there. If you leave, you are not giving up the one you love, because he is not that one. Your one is still out there.

Wayne & Tamara