A New Year prayer for the elderly
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference. New Year Resolutions
2008: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.
2009: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.
2010: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2011: I will work out 3 days a week.
2012: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

New Year’s Day Prayer
-for one and all
Dear Lord
So far this year, I’ve done well.
I haven’t gossiped, I haven’t lost my temper, I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I’m very thankful for that.  But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on, I’m probably going to need a lot more help.
Amen

A New Year’s Wish
On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing.  As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Lecture with a difference
On New Year’s Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.  As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.
“What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?” asked the police officer.
“I’m on my way to a lecture,” answered Roger.
“And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?” enquired the constable sarcastically.
“My wife,” slurred Daniel grimly.

Politician in action
A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude towards whisky.
“If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it.  But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it.  This is my position, and I will not compromise.”

How to quit smoking
Peter, at a New Year’s party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette.
“I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,” Ken responds.
“I’m in the process of quitting,” replies Peter with a grin. “Right now, I am in the middle of Phase One.”
“Phase One?” wonders Ken.
“Yeah!” laughs Peter, “I’ve quit buying.”

New Year’s Day Quotes
‘Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual’
-Mark Twain

‘One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things’
-John Burroughs

‘Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account’
-Oscar Wilde

Classic New Year Poem
Ring out the old, ring in the new
Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.
-Alfred, Lord Tennyson (1849 -50)

New Year’s Eve Party: Phantom Guest?
TREVOR’S New Year’s Eve party was an annual occurrence, with numerous guests arriving.
During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen.
He sat there, happily chatting away for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face.
“You know,” he confided to Trevor, “I wasn’t even invited to this party;  I just came over to tell you that some of your guests’ cars are blocking my drive.”
He continued: “My wife’s been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out.”

New Year’s Day Party
– That never was
AS IN many homes on New Year’s Day, Janet and Nigel, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: The football match on television, or the lunch itself.
Hoping to keep the peace, Nigel ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.
Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was, and graciously even bought a cold beer for Nigel. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was. Nigel told her it was halftime, and that the score was still 0-0.
‘See?’ Janet said happily, ‘You didn’t miss a thing.’

A bad dream?
JEMIMA was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities.
After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband: ‘I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?’
‘Aha, you’ll know tonight,’ answered Max, smiling broadly.
At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her a small package.
Delighted and excited, she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: ‘The meaning of dreams’.

Unusual New Year Customs
1.  Baby New Year Tradition: The tradition of using a baby to signify the New Year was started around 600 BC by the ancient Greeks, who, at the start of a year, would carry a baby around in a basket. The purpose of it was to honour Dionysus, the God of Fertility and symbolize his annual rebirth. This custom is still practised in parts of Greece.

2.  Hogmanay: The New Year in Scotland is called Hogmanay. Some people in Scotland follow a ritual that appears quite strange, but it actually has a great significance. One can find barrels of tar set on fire and gradually rolled down the streets in the villages of Scotland. This ritual symbolizes that the old year is burned up and New Year is going to begin.

3.  Burning ‘Mr. Old Year’: In Columbia, Cuba and Puerto Rico, families stuff a life-size male doll with things and then they dress it up in old clothes donated from each family member.
At the stroke of midnight, this ‘Mr. Old Year’ is set on fire. This is done in the simple belief that a doll thus stuffed has bad memories or sadness associated with it, and that the burning of it will help one to do away with past unhappiness and usher in happiness in life with the coming year.

4.  Eating noodles: Late on the evening of December 31, people from Japan might eat a bowl of buckwheat noodles called ‘toshikoshisoba [year-crossing noodles]’ and listen for the sound of the Buddhist temple bells, which are rung 108 times at midnight.  The sound of these bells is said to purify the listeners of the 108 sins or evil passions that “plague every human being.”

5.  Eating 12 grapes: In Spain, people eat 12 grapes as the clock strikes midnight (one each time the clock chimes) on New Year’s Eve.
This peculiar ritual goes back to the 20th Century when freak weather conditions resulted in an unseasonable bumper harvest of grapes. Not able to decide what to do about so many grapes at Christmastime, the King of Spain and the grape growers came up with the idea of the New Year ritual.

6.  Gifts in shoes: In Greece, children leave their shoes by the fireside on New Year’s Day, which, incidentally, is also the Festival of Saint Basil in Greece, in the hope that Saint Basil, who was famous for his kindness, will come and fill their shoes with gifts.

7.  Carrying a suitcase: In neighbouring Venezuela, as in Argentina, Bolivia, and Mexico, those with hopes of travelling in the New Year carry a suitcase around the house at midnight.  Some may even carry it around the block to ensure travelling at greater distances.

8.  Burning crackers: People in China believe that there are evil spirits that roam the earth. So, on New Year’s Day, they burn crackers to scare the evil spirits away. The doors and windows of many homes in China can be seen sealed with paper.  This is to keep the evil demons out.

9   Foods: It was thought that one could affect the luck they would have throughout the coming year by what they did or ate on the first day of the year.
It is still widely held, for example, in some regions that special New Year foods are the harbingers of good luck. For that reason, the Dutch believe that eating donuts on New Year’s Day will bring good fortune. The hog, and its meat, is considered lucky because it symbolizes prosperity. Cabbage is another ‘good-luck’ vegetable that is consumed on New Year’s Day by many. Cabbage leaves are also considered a sign of prosperity, being representative of paper currency. In some regions, rice is a lucky food that is eaten on New Year’s Day.
The ancient Persians gave New Year’s gifts of eggs, which symbolized productiveness.

10.  New York Times Square Celebrations: The first Ball-lowering celebration atop One Times Square in the USA was held on December 31, 1907 and is now a worldwide symbol of the turn of the New Year, seen via satellite by more than one billion people each year.
The original New Year’s Eve Ball weighed 700 pounds and was 5 feet in diameter. It was made of iron and wood, and was decorated with 100 25-watt light bulbs.

11.  Black-eyed peas: Many parts of the USA celebrate the new year by consuming black-eyed peas. These legumes are typically accompanied by either hog jowls or ham. Black-eyed peas and other legumes have been considered good luck in many cultures.

12.  Rings: Many cultures believe that anything in the shape of a ring is good luck, because it symbolizes ‘coming full circle’, or completing a year’s cycle.

13.  Wearing new slippers: In China, many people wear, in the new year, a new pair of slippers that were bought before the new year, because it suggests stepping on the people who gossip about you.

14.  Jewish New Year: is known as Rosh Hashanah. It is a holy time when Jews recall the things they have done wrong in the past, and then promise to do better in the future. Special services are held in the synagogues; children are given new clothes; and New Year loaves are baked to remind people of harvest-time.

15.  Japanese New Year: On New Year’s Day in Japan, everyone gets dressed in their new clothes. Homes are decorated with pine branches and bamboo, both of which are considered to be the symbols of long life.

16.  New Love: Apparently, in Mexico, wearing red underwear on New Year’s Eve is said to bring new love in the upcoming year.

17.  First city to celebrate: Sydney, Australia, hosts the first major New Year’s Eve celebration each year.