Yakety-yak
I HAVE been divorced two years, and am now engaged. Recently, my ex-husband has been calling me for everything. Did you take the kids to school on time? Do you have a sock that belongs to one of the kids? Et cetera, et cetera. All these things, I believe, are for the best interest of my children. My fiancé says my ‘ex’ calls all the time because he wants me back. I don’t understand that, because I only have conversations with my ‘ex’ about the kids. Now he does call about 20 times a day, but all the conversations concern the children.
Am I doing wrong by not putting my ‘ex’ in his place? I’m afraid if I tell him I don’t want him calling all the time, he will take that as I don’t care about my children.
Tess

Tess,
In 1938, E.B. White wrote: “…I attended a television demonstration at which it was shown beyond reasonable doubt that a person sitting in one room could observe the nonsense taking place in another.”
What White said about early television is far truer of mobile phones and texting: They give wings to impulsivity. Many think, “As soon as I have a thought, I need to share it.” And most of what is expressed is trivial.
Your fiancé may be right that your ‘ex’ doesn’t want to let you go. Or it could just be impulsivity and boredom. It doesn’t matter what his motivation is: It’s not healthy for him to call 20 times a day.
On a really crazy day when one child is sick, soccer practice is cancelled and a teacher calls to conference about a problem, you might have multiple conversations with your ‘ex’. But most days, why should there be even one?
Your ex-husband is like a salesman sticking his foot in your door 20 times a day. The welfare of the kids is one thing, but checking up on you is another. No man wants his new wife’s daily activities micromanaged by her ex-husband.
Wean your ‘ex’ off repeated phone calls by refusing some calls and cutting others short. Tell him you don’t need to talk about a missing sock right now. Say it pleasantly. “I’m engaged; I’m getting married. I can’t spend 20 times a day talking to you.”
Phoning and texting have taken the place of genuine conversation: They reduce productivity. Limiting calls doesn’t mean you don’t care about the children: It means you don’t need to concern yourself with “the nonsense taking place in another room.”

Wayne & Tamara

One and only
My wife and I are both 32, and she is my complete soul mate. We married four years back. About two-and-a-half years ago, I searched on the Internet for a girl I knew 10 years before. I never really knew her, but mostly gazed at her from a distance.
When I found her on a social site, I messaged her. She was surprised to see me, and quickly replied. We chatted for half an hour. Next day, in a very emotional mode, I wrote her a letter expressing all my feelings of intense love from 10 years back.
She didn’t reply to that, but as I considered her a friend, I e-mailed her some more. She forwarded some jokes and friendly e-mails, then stopped completely. I never talked to her or saw her after that.
A few days ago, my wife found these e-mails. She is totally upset, and feels like leaving me. How can five or six e-mails change everything in my life?
Lloyd

Lloyd,
When you wrote another woman, you killed the mystery of love for your wife. The mystery was why one man loved her above all other women.
More than anything, we want someone who loves us to the exclusion of others, which is why even the hint of cheating can destroy a relationship.

Wayne & Tamara