AFTER my last column on the types of people whom I believe everyone should have in their lives, there were a few questions on how to better those relationships once you have them. All relationships require work, willingness and commitment, and there are steps you can take to build healthier ones.

The first and most important question is – What makes a healthy relationship? Many would have many different answers, but there are general, well-defined universal factors. Healthy relationships share common goals and expectations. They require a meaningful connection with honest communication, no fear of respectful disagreement and conflict and one that allows for individual identity and freedom of other relationships and interests.
If you’re an avid reader of this column, you know that I continually begin with the self with any topic. You must know yourself before you improve anything which involves you. The philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti said: “A relationship is a mirror in which you can see yourself, not as you would wish to be, but as you are.” This means that relationships expose who you are – your greatest strengths and insecurities. You become vulnerable to both you and others, and feeling safe doing so is the most important factor for being genuine. Therefore, first and foremost, practise ultimate self-care- mentally and physically- to better manage emotions, stress, misunderstandings, and conflict.

Figure out your core beliefs. This sets up relationships in an informed way, as true friendships align with core values such as integrity, equality, and compassion. Of course, it’s hard to find these in others if you aren’t sure which matters to you the most.

Embrace respectful differences. No two people will agree on everything, so when you find that disagreement, meet it with the notion that unique views bring fresh knowledge and insight to a relationship. Both strengths and weaknesses can complement relationships well.

Based on core beliefs and differences, communicate and maintain healthy boundaries. Even those who know us best are not mind readers and need our thoughts and feelings clarified. Relationships will always be better when vulnerabilities are cherished rather than chuckled about. There comes a time in any relationship where you see insecurities, which should always be protected, as exploiting these in any way will chip away at a relationship little by little.

Listen well. Most people emphasise speaking and giving advice, and while that’s beneficial, people feel most valued and understood when they feel heard. When you’re truly listening, emotions can be heard, and a more meaningful connection can be built.

Practise compromise. All relationships are built on a reasonable exchange of give and take. If you expect to always get what you want in any relationship, you are essentially just waiting for disappointment.
Practise healthy and safe conflict resolution. Since conflict is inevitable, the people around you must feel safe to have differing views. A fair fight- one without insults, blame, revenge and grudges- must be had. Always remember that you are arguing with someone you love, not the problem itself and that you need to focus on the problem itself and not the one you love.

Practise forgiveness. If those around you have to constantly prove themselves or fight to be in your life, they won’t be forever.
Take breaks when needed. Most people feel the need to fix things immediately when there is a disagreement. However, being unable to take a step back and take some space proves that you don’t feel secure in the relationship; space freedom speaks to security.

Show appreciation, always. This may sound obvious, but I’ve seen so many who feel entitled to have their needs met by close friends/family when the truth is, no one really owes us anything- they choose to cater to us and more often than not, it’s because of our gratitude.

Respectful but brutal honesty, in my opinion, is necessary for a healthy and trusting relationship. Strangers may already lie, and enemies will be negatively cruel so who else is best for the truth? The reverential truth about what you’re excelling in, what needs improvement, about the other people around you and when you derail a little. Brutal honesty is the way to clarity.

Fight with intention. Conflict is inevitable and powerful because it can make or break relationships. When we find people who can handle conflict respectfully, we gravitate towards them and retreat from those who do not. Be constructive during disagreement- it’s not the person, it’s the problem so focus only on the solution.

Finally, one of the most important practices in any relationship is relational mindfulness, as we are relational beings. Relational mindfulness is based on the premise that the foundation of love is attention and, therefore learning how to not only stay present during interactions but to also pay close attention and be fully engaged during them. It cannot happen overnight, but it is a skill that anyone can cultivate over time. The next time you are in a social setting- pay attention to your friends. Are they comfortable? Are they actually enjoying themselves? Have certain topics or interactions made them uncomfortable? When we practise the attention required in relational mindfulness, we cultivate empathy, compassion, and understanding in our relationships- ultimately making us better to be around.

What can you do to allow for others to want to strengthen their connections with you? I can recommend the trait I look for for the person to become a daily part of my life- well roundedness. My inner circle is compiled of only well-rounded people which means I can go to them for fun, to be healthy, work, advice, to gossip, to share my darkest secrets and everything that that day requires me to be. This is rare, that one person can do it all but I’ve been lucky to find a few and if you are capable, be a well-rounded person and friend.