This Valentine’s Day Weekend, counselling psychologist Raiza Khan urges couples to know themselves, set boundaries and heal before seeking lasting love.

AS roses and romantic dinners take centre stage for Valentine’s Day weekend, counselling psychologist Raiza Khan is encouraging couples to look beyond the surface of love and focus on the foundation beneath it. In a candid conversation with Pepperpot Magazine, Khan shared insights drawn from nearly a decade of practice, working with hundreds of clients navigating relationship challenges, family wounds, anxiety and depression.

Khan says that the majority of the clients she sees, up to 65 per cent, seek help for romantic-relationship issues. When family dynamics are added to the equation, that number climbs even higher. According to her, many of the struggles couples face in adulthood can be traced back to childhood experiences, attachment styles, and a lack of healthy boundaries. From people-pleasing and poor communication to unresolved trauma and mismatched life’s goals, Khan explained that lasting relationships require more than chemistry. They require self-awareness, emotional regulation, and the courage to communicate needs clearly. This Valentine’s Day, her message is simple but powerful: before you can build a healthy partnership, you must first understand and heal yourself.

Khan has been in the field of counselling psychology for almost a decade, focusing on talk therapy and psychotherapy. Her work has been extensive and varied; during her internship in Barbados, she worked at a battered women’s home, where she witnessed first-hand the impact family life can have on individuals. While her current day-to-day practice at Anira Counselling and Psychological Services does not include many cases of this nature, social issues, particularly those in relationships, remain her most common focus.

“Over the years in Guyana, a lot of what I see relates to social issues, relationships, job dissatisfaction, identity, and understanding why people do what they do,” Khan said.

Her approach is person-centred:

“I use person-centred therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, and humanistic approaches. I do a lot more clinical work than maybe just a counselling psychologist may.”

Most of Khan’s clients are grappling with romantic relationship issues. When familial challenges are included, the numbers rise even further.

“I would say about 65 per cent of all my clients come for romantic-relationship issues. If we include familial relationships, that goes up to about 70 to 75 per cent,” she stated.

This trend highlights how family dynamics shape relationship behaviours and beliefs. This is why Khan emphasises that the first step to a healthy relationship is a healthy you.

“If our foundation is tricky, later romantic relationships can also be complicated or unhealthy. When people say they don’t feel like they know themselves or they don’t trust people, we start to uncover that it is based in childhood and formative years.”

But knowing yourself is just step one. Khan explains that understanding personal habits, likes, and goals is key to forming healthy relationships—not just romantic ones, but every relationship we have.

“One of the first things people should do before entering a romantic relationship is get to know yourself. You can only present yourself and be loved upon those points if you are authentically showing the best version of yourself.”

She adds that entering a relationship with a false sense of self can create instability.

“Find out who you are so you can find the person that is for you. Knowing yourself is key,” she said.

Boundaries, rules, and expectations are the next most important aspects of a relationship. But more important than simply having them is discussing and setting them together. Without collaboration, unrealistic expectations can develop, leading to conflicts when unspoken needs are unmet.

“Learn boundaries, rules, and expectations. People say, ‘He or she is supposed to know.’ How are they supposed to know? Did you convey that at the beginning of the relationship? If not, how were they supposed to know?”

Building a healthy relationship also requires understanding the other person’s long-term goals. Khan emphasises that while compatibility, shared interests, and boundaries are vital, aligning life’s goals is a defining factor.

“Once you have invested time in someone, you should be able to say, ‘I like where this is going. This is where I see my life in a year or two. How do you feel about that?’ It’s hard to be with someone if you don’t have similar values. Knowing your convictions and standards helps you dodge people who are not for you. Life goals are important. You cannot want to stay in Guyana and your partner wants to live abroad. Those things matter.”

While she cannot ensure the perfect relationship, Khan says stable, supportive partnerships are vital, not just for romance, but for overall mental health.

“People come for anxiety, depression, divorce, and transitional issues. But once someone is coming for depression, it is not just a biochemical feature. People are coming with depressive feelings because life kind of sucks. Your job, you are not happy with it. Bills are due. Your relationship is not supportive. You don’t feel bonded with anybody.”

According to Khan, the simplest way to gauge if a relationship is healthy is to consider how it makes you feel.

“If someone does not bring you calm, comfort, support, or make you feel heard, that might not be the relationship for you.”