I RECENTLY received an email from a distressed young man who told me how unhappy he is and how little he does because he cannot seem to do everything just right. He used the word “perfect” a few times and brought me to the decision that I need to instill in everyone that even the thought of being perfect would be your biggest downfall and deterrent from achieving anything in general, let alone large goals.
The word shouldn’t even be in the dictionary as nothing is truly perfect.
Attempting to achieve perfectionism, an impossibility by any sense of the word, typically brings self-defeating thoughts and behaviours, low self-esteem and confidence, anxiety, depression, substance abuse and a wide range of other mental health issues.
Initially, having mental health issues such as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can also cause a need to strive for perfectionism.

It would help if you knew where your need for perfectionism might stem from so you know what to personally work on. Striving for perfection does not come from strength but rather feelings of inadequacy, insecurity or fears of failure. It is sometimes used as a personal and protective shield against personal blame or shame. Maybe it was instilled in you at a young age to always put your all into what you do. However, being perfect is not the same as striving to do your best. It is not the embodiment of healthy achievement and growth.
In case you are not sure if this is a mistake you are making, I’m going to list out some signs that may suggest you are a perfectionist.

Perfectionists tend to
– Avoid performing any task unless they feel they can do it ‘perfectly’
– Miss out on activities others are doing, that they may even desperately want to do, but do not because of fear of comparative underachievement or embarrassment.
– Not see a task as completed unless it fits their narrative of “perfect”; meaning projects take an excessive and unnecessary amount of time to complete.
– Focus on the end of a project and its expected ‘perfection’ so that the process itself is not enjoyed.
– Have difficulty being happy for others who are achieving success.
– Constantly compare themselves to others with the personal reflection always being negative.
– Have issues with relationships or friendships because of personal high expectations and as well as the other person’s perception of a perfectionist often being hostile.
– Pay a lot of attention to their physical appearance and have great insecurity if there is even one little imperfection.

Perfectionism or striving for it takes away from very important things in life such as basic pride of learning, progress, hard work and gratitude and is a quick and clear road map for being unhappy.

There are also different types of perfectionism and it is important to determine which one you may be acting on.
There are personal standards perfectionism, the healthier of all if you are already in this position. This is someone who creates and adheres to a set of personal standards that motivate them to be the best person they can be. Others may still consider these standards to be high, but they are motivating and beneficial to the person who sets them. This type of perfectionism is thought to be the least harmful as it typically does not lead to excessive stress or burnout. You can only consider yourself as this type if your goals and attempts at achieving them make you feel excited and accomplished rather than overwhelmed or fearful.
Another is self-critical perfectionism which instead results in individuals experiencing feelings of intimidation, frustration and hopelessness in their own goals as they cannot meet their unrealistic expectations.
The last is socially prescribed perfectionism, which stems from a societal demand for excellence placed on individuals. This can be as simple as the pressure parents put on children to receive excellent grades or the pressure put on individuals with perceived high professions such as doctors or lawyers. Those suffering from this type constantly seek outside validation to determine their personal self-worth.
What can we do to become more comfortable with the thought of imperfection?
First of all, this takes a lot of self-compassion and cognitive restructuring- re-training your self-deprecating thought processes.
Breaking out of this vicious cycle of perfectionism involves acknowledging that we all have our imperfections and accepting that it is okay. It means making mistakes and learning not to define our self-worth by them; it means being vulnerable. It means accepting that good is good enough.
Noticing your self-critical thoughts when they appear is a great first step in shifting your thinking. Unhelpful thinking often involves words like “should” or “must”.
Take time to ask yourself whether your goals or their timeframe are actually realistic or are you setting unrealistic goals that are untimely, leading to your feeling like a failure. Remember that the fear of failure is typically far greater than the failure itself. If this is happening, try breaking your goals into smaller components, with longer timeframes and with a bigger support system. Remember that perfectionism isn’t a behavioural pattern but rather a way of thinking about yourself. Also, always remember that every single person you speak to can relate more to failure than they can to success.
As hard as it is to believe, when we fail, we grow as we learn so many lessons, new ways of operating and our own level of resilience. My favourite example of this is Thomas Edison, the inventor of the light bulb. He openly shared that it took him years and over 10,000 experiments to get it functional. When asked how he felt about that, he famously said, I did not fail 10,000 times. I successfully found 10,000 ways it would not work. If you learn from a loss, is it really a loss?
Also, failure just genuinely makes for a more interesting life story. Imagine someone telling you, I tried this thing one time and got everything I ever wanted and life has been so easy. How annoying is that? It doesn’t make for a good story- failure, learning from it, struggle, persistence and then success is a good life story; one to be proud of.
Do not strive for perfection, simply strive for being better than you were yesterday and then every day after that. The best version of yourself without comparison to anyone else’s life. J.K Rowling, the author of the Harry Potter books, said, “It is impossible to live without failing at something unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default.”
Thank you for reading and please continue to send suggested column topics to caitlinvieira@gmail.com