I’ve received some emails based on my last few columns on common but relatively unknown signs of abuse such as negging and love bombing. A few asked me how do you know if a relationship is healthy, is it just an absence of these things and it was a great question, because the answer is not a direct yes or no – i would answer not necessarily. Therefore, I am going to explain what a healthy relationship actually looks and feels like.

First and most importantly, I view an unhealthy relationship as one that is an assault on your individuality. Being in a relationship should not result in co-dependency which is basically a circular relationship where both parties need to be needed and this often results in an unhealthy reliance on each other where there is isolation from family and friends. While it is an amazing feeling if you can rely on your partner for all your needs, it is not healthy that you do. A healthy relationship is where two whole people come together, improving the other, rather than relying on each other to be whole in the first place. This is why it is always advised to properly heal from past trauma before entering a new relationship. Individuality is key, as one should never lose one’s identity because of a relationship – you were and should remain your own person with your own individual wants, needs, friends and hobbies; don’t lose that.

People also often tell me that love is hard. Love is not hard or painful, but rather the things we think are associated with love are and it is very important to make that distinction. Many of us see the burdens or negative consequences that can stem from love. This can be infidelity (cheating), abuse, being heartbroken, and the list goes on. It is not our fault and does not mean that we are negative thinkers- these are just fears based on what we have seen or experienced ourselves. But that isn’t love. A possible consequence of something does not define it. Love in itself is beautiful and peaceful.

There are key aspects of a healthy relationship. Love is among them yes, but just as important, there is respect, communication, trust, equality, personal space and privacy and fighting fairly.

When it comes to respect in a relationship, you have to respect yourself first, as it is impossible and almost unfair to ask someone to respect you if you do not respect yourself. With self-respect comes personal boundaries – these are what you will and will not accept from a partner, and they should be communicated and acted on very early in the relationship. These are not controlling, nor threatening features, and one needs to be able to identify the difference between the two. Hint- one is healthy and needed, and the other isn’t. Personal boundaries are basic guidelines that we create that make us mentally and physically comfortable, and from those, we can set guidelines for how we desire to be treated. For example, a personal boundary is telling your partner that you do not appreciate it if they call you multiple times after you haven’t answered the first time because of xyz. For your boundaries to be respected, they also come with fair consequences when they are crossed. This is very dependent on the situation, so I’m going to leave that just there. However, what does this mean? For yours to be heard and respected, you must listen to and respect your partner’s personal boundaries as well. This is the starting point to mutual respect, and not violating those boundaries ensure that the relationship remains healthy.

Communication is a critical aspect of any relationship. I dislike when people say, “oh yea, communication is key.” No, healthy communication is key. It’s not just that you are speaking to each other, but how are you speaking to each other? Healthy communication has a few key feaures. It is honest and open, calm and loving, on the right medium/platform based on the topic (easy example- you shouldn’t have serious conversations about your relationship over text messages), and it should be at the right time and place (easy examples- you should not force your partner to talk if they are not ready or able to nor should you have serious conversations in the middle of a party). Your personal boundaries will help in how well you communicate.

Trust- this is a difficult one, as most of us in Guyana have either been close to situations or experienced our own which causes us to have little trust. However, it is unfair to put that on to a partner if they have not done anything to cause mistrust. I’m sorry to say as I know it is hard to read, but if you do not trust your partner, you do not have a healthy relationship. A little pro-tip when it comes to trust and whether you should or should not – if your partner has once violated your trust and you find it hard to overcome it, ask yourself two important questions. First, has it only been once? We are all human and all capable of making mistakes, and if your partner, having all the knowledge they now have, on how much it hurt you and the relationship in general, would they do it again? This is an important question and how I can guide you to your answer is one time may have been a genuine mistake and often should be given a second chance, but three or more times is a behaviour pattern that I’m sorry to say will not change.

Now, equality looks different for everyone, but when it comes to a relationship, it means that both partners’ wants and needs are equally as important and met, both partners’ dreams and goals are equally attended to, and relationship efforts are fair and equal.

Personal space and privacy are critical ones and also the ones which I think get violated the most. While emotional intimacy is pivotal for a healthy relationship, it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to share everything. You both have a right to privacy, and it is absolutely okay if not sharing your passwords and the phone is a personal boundary. Regarding personal space and independence, healthy relationships do not require constant contact.

However, an important note is for you to note the difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy is keeping those personal things that are close to your heart just right there, while secrecy involves purposely hiding things that can be or are hurtful to your partner and relationship.

It is also important to know the components of fighting fairly because everyone has disagreements- you will never have a relationship without many- but do it right, and that’s okay. Unhealthy fights turn into a blame game, and there is a hunt for a winner. In healthy fights, there is a hunt for a solution. There are a few factors in fair fighting:
– Mutual Vulnerability – communicating the truth that you are upset and why is vital.
– Mutual want to talk- both partners have to be ready and willing to find the solution.
– Mutual Empathy – both partners’ feelings must be understood and respected.
– Mutual Understanding – both partners’ feelings must be accepted.
– Mutual Apology – both partners should apologise for whatever role they played in the disagreement.
– Mutual Compromise/ problem-solving – a changed decision is made that both partners are comfortable with.
– Mutual Forgiveness – each partner has to decide what they need for this and how they best do it, but if it doesn’t happen, the same issue will continuously resurface.

Overall, I think you know you are in a healthy relationship when your physical, mental and emotional needs are met and most importantly, you feel safe. You feel safe to be vulnerable and feel safe to be protected when you are.

Thank you for reading, and please continue to send topic suggestions to caitlinvieira@gmail.com