BLUE CHRISTMAS: NAVIGATING GRIEF, DEPRESSION AND THE HOLIDAYS

I’ll have a Blue Christmas without you
I’ll be so blue just thinking about you
Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree
Won’t be the same dear, if you’re not here with me

WE all know Elvis Presley’s classic song ‘Blue Christmas’ that expresses grief and loss during the holidays. The term Blue Christmas denotes the longest night of the year in the Western Christian tradition. And the worship during this season includes the opportunity for expression of grief and pain and the opportunity to focus on the promise of hope.

Christmas is a season of joy and celebration. As the rest of the world seems overjoyed with the holiday spirit, it can be difficult for those dealing with loss. Whether it’s a recent loss or it has been several years, all you know is that you dread this time of the year and you can’t wait for it to be over. With the recent pandemic, many of us have lost our loved ones to COVID-19 and some might be experiencing a relationship breakup too.

While holidays are a real challenge for the grievers, we must learn to navigate the celebration without our loved ones. As you are reading this today, I hope you will gain understanding and find meaning during a difficult time.

Why are grief and depression heavier and thicker during Christmas season?
It’s often easier to withdraw and shut down when you are hurting and it seems as if everyone else is happy. It takes a tremendous effort to be otherwise, which you are doing now and it’s a wise, healthy choice. Let’s understand some reasons as to why the grief feels so heavy, overwhelmed, and sapped in energy during the holiday season.

Positive expectations and the gap:
When it’s Thanksgiving, Christmas, and holidays we expect it to be meaningful, happier, filled with love and relationships. It can be difficult to experience difficult emotions such as sadness, emptiness, and loneliness when we expect to be festive. These positive expectations associated with the festive season can magnify everything that is already so hard about grief and loss.

Holidays and strong memories: We usually process the loss and grieve by holding on to those special memories of our loved ones. Holidays are mostly associated with some wonderful memories and special times that you had with your family and loved ones; it can intensify our association with memories exacerbating the feelings of grief.

Gloomy weather: The Christmas season is mostly associated with cold weather and more rainy days here in Guyana. This can mean more darkness and fewer outdoor activities, contributing to a more “down” mood.
Increased loneliness: The feeling of loneliness associated with depression and grief will be more pronounced during November and December. As our friends and peer groups get pulled away to family gatherings and Christmas parties, we are less likely to see our close friends. This can become particularly difficult for individuals who are depressed and grieving.

Loss of daily routines: holiday season disrupts many of our daily and weekly rhythms. Daily routines and life rhythms help us maintain emotional resilience, which gets affected.

Tips for coping with grief during Christmas
If you are grieving, you are hurting and you need to feel and process the loss. You might feel sad, overwhelmed, tearful, guilty, or angry but you need to acknowledge it, sit with it and feel it. It’s your truth and denying it will only delay your healing.

Be gentle with your broken heart:
Holiday traditions are built and grow for years, but it’s not something set in stone. With the death of loved ones or loss in relationships, the traditions can trigger pain, and understand that you have control over the kind of holiday you want to have this year. If the pain feels too much, if it’s raw consider postponing certain traditions. Plan for an emotional holiday season, make choices that give you peace and protect the broken heart.

Talk about your loved one:
Talk to your family about the significant person in your life, how much you miss them, and their memories. Your friends and family usually don’t realize that your loved one is always in your mind and they may be reluctant to talk about the deceased, thinking it might upset you. So be the one to share the memories of your loved ones and encourage conversation

Find ways to express your feelings:
The depth of your pain is reflective of the love you have for this significant person in life. You wouldn’t deny love for the loved one, don’t deny your pain. Acknowledge your difficult feelings and find ways to express them. You can start writing a journal, use creative arts to express the many feelings you are experiencing, connect with other grievers through an online community, or express your feelings with your family members at home who are there, showing their love and support.

Gift of remembrance:
Find different and special ways to remember your loved ones during Christmas. Some suggestions that can be incredibly healing include lighting a candle in memory of your loved one, hanging a memory stocking, and writing a Christmas card or a letter.

Sharing love and kindness:
The world needs a lot of love and kindness and finding ways to share the measure of love you had for your loved one can be the best thing you could do. Make donations and volunteer to help others, invite someone who doesn’t have a family or you could support others you know of who are going through grief.

Take care of yourself and your loved ones:
Even if your heart is broken, look out for simple things in life that you feel grateful for. Take care of your health and try to be there for your loved ones around you.
Loss and grief can be brutal, but remember you are not alone. Remember, it’s ok to ask for help. I hope you find this article a place where you feel understood and cared for. Thank you for reading! Kindly send in your feedback, questions or any topic that you would like to address to innerpeacegy@gmail.com. If you would like personal counselling or therapy sessions (online and in-person), please call me at 613 9255.