THERE are families of every kind in every town or village, street and home across Guyana. Nuclear families, single-parent families, blended families, extended families, joint families, foster families, adopted families and stepfamilies.
Stepparents are created when a lone parent marries or brings a partner to live with their family. If the partner brings their children along too, then the children become stepbrothers and stepsisters.
Step-parenting can be difficult for partners who have no idea how to bond with stepchildren and especially hard for those who have no intention of bonding with them at all.
Natalie says, ‘Our stepmother met our dad when my younger sister and I were 5 and 6 years old; we still have pictures she took of the four of us together as a happy family. Our dad is a quiet man of few words but disciplined; he can ‘beat’ when we get out of hand, so we were always well-behaved and polite towards her. We had no choice but to accept her into our family. One minute she wasn’t there; the next, she was; without prior discussion or a proper introduction, our stepmother came into our lives.
On occasions, she would say, ‘it’s just alya father I’m interested in, not alya’. It came to pass that she was telling the truth. She moved in, pregnant, sometime later, and before we knew, she was engaged to dad with a wedding pending. They didn’t talk to us about future plans or how we would live as a family unit. There were no boundaries, ground rules, understanding or expectations, other than the obvious, which was, my sister and I had to do as we were told.
We were 11 and 12 years old when the big day came around. Wearing our new shoes and dresses to the wedding, we were excited by the proceedings. However, we were not included in the wedding photos. It didn’t matter to us at the time, but later on, we realised what this exclusion implied.
Our stepmother didn’t care about us. She tolerated us while creating a family life for our dad and herself; we were the spare wheels to the coach. We received just enough attention, food, and guidance to sustain a relationship, but not an ounce of affection, care or love. When she cursed and shouted at us or ordered us to do things, our father said nothing.
Our teenage lives consisted of chores, homework and looking after our baby sisters. We were not allowed to go places or do things for our fun or enjoyment. On the odd occasion when someone begged for us to go somewhere, our stepmother made sure we had extra work to complete before we left.
My sister and I are in our mid-twenties now and no longer live at home. I recognise my stepmother’s toxic mindset for what it is – mentally abusive. She can also kill your self-esteem if you take her words to heart. How we managed to achieve a reasonable education against the odds is beyond me.
It was not because of her guidance, consideration, or kindness; or because our father was attentively understanding and interested in our happiness and peace of mind. However, despite our stepmother’s hostile behaviour and our uninvolved father, we are determined to succeed’.
Here are some tips for would-be step parents to consider.
1. Stepparents should first build a friendship with their stepchildren individually. Bonding with children takes time and might have its highs and lows. Don’t worry if success does not come overnight. Children may have emotions, opinions, doubts and anxieties they need to work through; they need understanding adults to whom they can talk and relate.
2. Involve children in decision-making, let them know what is going on. Adults constantly make plans without discussing them with children, or spring things on them, expecting children to fall in line like inanimate objects.
3. Give children time and space to get used to new lifestyles, people and experiences. Don’t force relationships between stepparents and children or use gifts and treats to win children over. Allow connections to develop naturally.
4. Adults must agree on the ‘role’ a new stepparent will play beforehand. It is essential to know what is expected and allowed from the get-go, so lines are not crossed, leading to confusion in a relationship. E.g. some stepparents leave the disciplining of children to the biological parents rather than scold or reprimand their stepchildren.
5. Allow children to be themselves around stepparents without fear of ridicule or resentment. Children need to feel accepted and appreciated by the adults who care for them. Disparaging comments to a child from a stepparent could damage a relationship.
6. Stepparents should keep children at the centre of the relationship. Find shared activities that they enjoy, such as baking, board games, football and gardening. Spend quality time with them.
7. Stepparents should never talk negatively about a child’s estranged mother or father or question a stepchild about same. Neither should a step parent try to take the place of an absent parent.
Successful step parenting starts in a place of love and understanding, where willing and open-minded people make the necessary adjustments to create a worthwhile family experience.
If you are concerned about the welfare of a child, call the CPA hotline on 227 0979 or write to us at childcaregy@gmail.com
A MESSAGE FROM THE CHILDCARE AND PROTECTION AGENCY,
MINISTRY OF HUMAN SERVICES AND SOCIAL SECURITY
