Telling my story

BACK when I was in nursery-primary school, I had a “friend” and once upon a time, I considered this person to be my best friend. My memories of what happened back then are vague, but I remembered always crying because of feeling hurt. Why was I hurt? She used to pick on me, tease me and was very mean. But nonetheless, I still considered this person to be my “friend.” Fast forward to when I first started to attend UG, I saw a message request pop up by this familiar name. We rekindled the “friendship” I thought we had (keep in mind I was still delusional about said friendship).

I noticed this person was nice to me at first, but then came to slight jabs (especially, when I’d place my opinions on topical issues). The said person would ridicule my skills, my ability to learn new things, my decisions and even told me, “shut up and suck it up” when I complained about UG being overly difficult. Even though none of it was physical (hitting, beatings, etc.), I still believe like many other writers that words can be very powerful or very dangerous. I eventually realised that my childhood memories were vague for a reason. I tried to wipe those terrible things from my mind, without even realising it. I finally could’ve put a label on what happened to me, after all these years and that label was BULLYING.

Now, I’m not saying this for pity or for validation. Sometimes when we’re faced with abuse, harassment, bullying or any other ill-will that was done to us; we struggle to label and identify with. I confused their so-called “tough love” for friendship, I confused their insults for criticism, I confused that I was being bullied for having a “difficult friendship.” Mind you, I am being very hazy with the details, because some are too hurtful to recall or mention.

I was unsure of what or how to label that encounter. One of the main reasons for this was the fact that 1- We were both children at the time. 2- I was conflicted at the fact that they called me their “friend.” 3- It was my very first “friendship” and so I had no real expectations of who or what a friend was supposed to be. I was only able to define and correctly label what I encountered after I learned about the said topic during one of my class sessions at the University of Guyana.

This is why education and dissemination of information surrounding abuse, harassment and bullying are important. Most of the time, victims are dewy-eyed by their attachment and relationship to their bully or abuser. They cannot differentiate between friend and bully, or partner and abuser, or parent and perpetrator. It is quite difficult to accept that this one person can hold both labels at the same time. Perhaps the most difficult realisation that I’ve had with this experience was the fact that I had to finally accept that my “friend,” really wasn’t a friend to me, to begin with.

I started a new chapter in my life when I decided to forgive myself for this and many other instances of being bullied. I learned that I do not owe that person anything. If you’ve experienced this or a similar story, I hope this article helps you to correctly define and label those who have done you wrong. I’m not sure if the person who bullied me will ever read this because according to them, my writing pieces lack charisma and I should learn to be a better writer. However, if they do, I hope you also heal from whatever trauma you endured instead of projecting it onto others. Even if you still considered these encounters to be “tough love,” I took a stance to say otherwise. This is my story and my truth.