MY column last week on commitment issues lead to a few emails from people sharing their pain of being with people who are afraid of commitment and those who choose to be unfaithful. I know this is quite a common thing so I thought maybe talking about it can help so many people release the pain, burden or even guilt that they may feel.

If you’ve been cheated on, then you know how violating, disrespecting and devastating the feeling can be. Your sense of safety is depleted and all your trust has disappeared. According to Psychology Today, the rates of infidelity affect between 10-25 percent of today’s relationships – although it seems like a lot more.

Everyone wants to know why their partner cheated but there is a wide range of possibilities; it could be something related to your partner’s past, issues within the relationship, or it could have nothing to do with the relationship at all.
There are a few things that I would like the victims of infidelity to know.

Whatever you are feeling, feel it. Don’t hide from your feelings, they will find you. I know so many people who drown their sorrows in alcohol or beat themselves up in other destructive ways. Coming to terms with something like this is difficult and it takes as long as it takes.

Don’t make any rash decisions when you’re in that amount of pain. People who experience this will jump right into legalities, leaving the home or deciding who takes the children etc. If that’s the route you decide to take, there is plenty of time for that. Let yourself heal a bit first to make more level headed decisions.

It’s not your fault and may not even have been about you. Being cheated on can break your self-esteem in so many ways and cause you to blame yourself. Yes, you could have done this more or done this better but your partner could have also chosen to communicate these things with you or end the relationship altogether.

No one else’s behaviour is a reflection of your character, level of attractiveness or desirability. Your self-worth and self-respect can never be taken away from you unless you let it.

Don’t count on your partner for closure or ‘acceptable’ reasons why the cheating occurred. Most likely, it will be a half-truthh to spare your feelings or something that will make you feel even more pain. Either way, the answer will never satisfy you and you can move on without it.

Move forward being your best self. Don’t practice self-destructive behaviours or beliefs, take care and nurture yourself. Some people have so much stress that physical symptoms such as nausea, stomach issues, not wanting to sleep or eat and even head, back and neck aches. These can be avoided if you practice healthy coping skills and take care of the symptoms by eating well, sleeping well and exercise.

You will trust and love again one day, once you don’t take your bad experiences into the next relationship with you. I also know many couples who have been to counselling for infidelity and have healed their relationship into healthy again.

Forgive yourself for the signs or red flags you saw but possibly ignored- there is nothing wrong with trying to see the good in people or giving them the benefit of the doubt. Forgive the cheater even, not for them but for you to healthily move forward.
Remember that things fall apart for new and better things to fall into place. Even if it’s just the lesson from the situation. When we are hurt and have to find strength, we build resilience and make ourselves more resourceful in times of adversity. There is something to gain from any situation or experience.

Surround yourself with the people who make you feel good, those who won’t offer unsolicited opinions or advice, and those who will just listen and be there for what you need. Those that remind you how wonderful you are and take you to do activities which would fall under the category of healthy coping skills.

Finally, you will be okay- it may not seem so right now but the only thing that can really heal a broken heart is time. You are wonderful, you are worthy and you’re a warrior.

Thank you for reading and please continue to write in to caitlinvieira@gmail.com and let me know what you would like to talk about.

Suicide Helpline numbers – 223-0001, 223-0009, 623-4444 or 600-7896
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