IN our eventful lifetimes, there are persons who either have or will hurt us in unimaginable ways. Perhaps, this might not be one of my most popular column pieces and that’s okay because forgiveness is not an easy task for many if not all of us. It is understandable as to why many people aren’t the biggest fans of forgiveness. You have to accept and acknowledge the wrongs that were done to you and find it within yourself to forgive the other person— even I am also not the biggest fan of doing so. I must admit that I am not yet a grandmaster on this life virtue but I am writing about it hoping that we can all learn together.

It is quite painful to think about the many, many—did I say many? – times, someone has hurt or disappoint me. Whenever this happens, I can hear my mother’s voice in my head telling me to “let it go” or “be the bigger person”, all of which equates to forgiveness. There have been countless times where I had to “be the bigger person” in my life—when I had to: forgive friends for betraying me, forgive my very own parents and family for their mistakes, forgive a teacher that humiliated me when I was already feeling anxious in school and there were also those times that are too painful to mention. The most difficult person for me to forgive after all these years was myself. I had to find it within myself to forgive ME for allowing myself to be a part of uncalled situations as well as the many mistakes I have made.

How did I do it? How did I forgive those who have hurt me? I first acknowledged and recognised that people hurt most of the times because they are hurt—it’s a cycle. Behind that mask of horror and disgust; there is always someone hurt behind it. I had to look past my own pain to figure out what was theirs. Perhaps, it was a breakup with a partner or a long day at work or sometimes their pain has been more long-existing than we can imagine—childhood trauma, family issues and so forth.

The common mistake we often make when we think about forgiving someone is that we always ask; “Well, what’s in it for me?”. Even I made that mistake many times before and will make it many times more. As I was reading on the art of forgiveness, I came across a powerful message in the form of a metaphor. A woman by the name of Crystal Ellefsen described how she views forgiveness. She said, “I wrote a song called “You Owe No Debt to Me.” It’s based on the concept that when you forgive, it’s like paying a debt that someone owes you.” She continued by saying, “They wronged you, and in a certain sense, they owe you. But you can choose to forgive and pay that debt for them, even if they don’t deserve it or haven’t asked for it.” That is the best explanation I have heard on the selflessness of forgiving someone. It is about relieving your burdens by paying their debts, by forgiving them.

In some ways, we may mirror those who hurt us. Not by repeating their acts of hurt or by miming their characteristics, no—some of us choose to do better with the pain we carry. Rather, we mirror them through the fact that we are flawed and have pain alike. We should choose to forgive others because one day, we in return will ask someone else for their forgiveness. Forgiveness does not happen overnight and it’s not just by saying the words, “I forgive you” while having the other person say, “I’m sorry” in return—NO. Every person is different, hence we will all process pain differently. To forgive basically means to accept the nature of events that happened while finding a resolution and means to live through what happened. The feeling of revenge and feeling superior might get in the way of your forgiveness but the key thing to remember is that you should do it out of a place of willingness. “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discovering that prisoner was actually you”—forgive and do it to free yourself.