THERE is a definite balance in the universe which then transcends into the home, when a child is being raised by two parents, and each parent is playing a meaningful role in the child’s life. When parents are working in unison towards the same goals, they can afford to agree to disagree; they can have their ups and downs and even get mad at each other, but the understanding of what constitutes a family and their roles as parents, supersedes any disharmony that may arise.

Unfortunately, statistics prove that more couples are separating than staying together nowadays, but even when couples do part there is no need for children to be traumatised by the separation. Caring adults would do everything in their power to lessen the impact that it is bound to have on their children, to the extent where one parent is even prepared to be the bigger person and keep the peace; that is, if the other is acting irresponsibly and portraying a careless, negative attitude. In times of separation, at least one parent needs to be rational and thoughtful towards the needs of the children, taking into account that there is usually a lot of emotional pain involved when couples separate. Thinking sensibly and empathising with their children are possibly the last things that parents have on their minds.

Even though children may not show it and they may seem well adjusted after a separation, they could be hiding or learning to come to terms with a sense of loss or anxiety. It is difficult for parents to help their children through this trying time if they have not learnt to deal with their own feelings. For instance, when children hear their mother say derogatory things about their father or vice versa, it makes the healing process for children harder and longer. Adult feelings and issues should be discussed with a trustworthy friend or even a professional counsellor if necessary; it is unfair for children to feel the brunt of their parents’ anger or misgivings.

When parents separate, children need to express how they feel, even if they are not aware that they need this all-important outlet. Parents are the best people for them to talk to, therefore a setting where questions can be asked and answered openly should be initiated. This will go a long way in helping children to understand that their thoughts and feelings are respected and considered during these unfortunate set of circumstances.

Where possible, it is useful and good practice to stay on positive terms with an ex-husband, ex-wife or partner for the sake of the children. Where decisions need to be made, parents should make them together. Children need to be reassured that they will always be loved and protected by both parents, even though the living arrangements may have changed.
Although break-ups can be painful in the early stages, in the long run they can work out better for everyone involved. Adults who stay in unhealthy relationships can impact their whole family negatively. Children will believe that the constant conflicts and belligerence portrayed by their parents are ‘normal,’ when in fact it is totally contrary to how people should live. In addition, the longer a disagreeable situation is allowed to fester, the more chance there is that stress levels will rise and the onset of fatigue, depression or other illnesses may follow.

When children feel secure they tend to strive better, because they have the confidence to explore, develop, learn and grow. But when one parent exists where there used to be two, doubt and uncertainty step into their lives. As a result of these unexpressed emotions, the chid might behave out of character. Parents should keep a look out for any strange behaviour and nip it in the bud. Bad behaviour from children should not be condoned or excused, even in difficult situations.

Separation takes a lot of getting used to and adjusting might take longer for some children than it will for others; however, with sensible, chosen words, a little empathy, and love and understanding from adults, it need not leave a scar on the hearts or in the minds of our children.

If you are concerned about the welfare of a child call the Childcare and Protection Hotline on 227 0979 or write to us at childcaregy@gmail.com
A MESSAGE FROM THE CHILDCARE AND PROTECTION AGENCY, MINISTRY OF SOCIAL PROTECTION