THIS week, I will be continuing the thread of alcohol abuse based on the questions that have been coming in. I received a few emails from spouses and children asking how to help their alcohol-dependent family member. I’m afraid that you’re probably not going to like my answer but it is a very important one. There are things you can do to help them along their recovery, yes, but your priority is and should always be you.

We cannot control the actions of others, regardless of how much we want to. And it may sound like a cliché but you really cannot help anyone if you don’t have it together yourself.
Alcoholism is a family disease which means it affects absolutely anyone in its path. It affects every member physically, emotionally, behaviourally and financially.

A close friend or family member of an alcoholic will experience a roll coaster of emotions, all of which they shouldn’t.

Yes, everyone is different but there are common feelings that are shared.

The individuals closest to the alcoholic tend to feel very guilty for a number of reasons.
The main one is that they often enable the drinker. This means they unintentionally or intentionally make it easier for the person to drink. They either buy the alcohol or cover up or fix any problems that the alcohol may cause. They do it simply because it is easier than fighting with the abuser or because they fear the reaction to any other action.

They often feel responsible for the amount of alcohol the individual is taking. Someone who abuses alcohol will often blame others- “you upset me so I had to take a drink” is a common statement to their loved ones. If the person has a problem with alcohol, they will drink regardless of what you do and it is definitely not ever your fault.

There is no need to feel guilty. You are not responsible for anyone’s drinking. You are not a medical or healthcare professional and therefore cannot take control of their treatment. All you can do is support them when they are ready to seek treatment.

FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS MAY FEEL ASHAMED.
This is mainly due to the enabling or any public consequences that come from their drinking. They sometimes feel this way for staying in a relationship that they know is unhealthy. They may be ashamed of their own behaviour when having to deal with the abuser. Some people scream or go on the road looking for the drinking individual. Many complain that they feel they are losing their own sanity.
They also feel ashamed of the fact that they tend to neglect their own needs and self-care to look after the drinker.

FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS OFTEN FEEL REJECTED AND UNLOVED.
They tend to take it personally when the user does not stop drinking alcohol. They think that if the alcoholic really loved them, they would stop drinking. Unfortunately, it is nowhere near that simple. Regardless, they do often ask the user to quit. The user often promises to stop drinking but this tends to make things worse as they are usually unsuccessful. They often feel lied to and take it as a sign that they are not respected or appreciated. When someone becomes addicted to alcohol, it becomes their priority and their urges seem uncontrollable. But it is not personal; how can someone be honest with you if they aren’t even honest with themselves?

Friends and family members often feel powerless.

However, this is the only thing you are allowed to feel because you are powerless. You cannot control someone’s drinking when they cannot even control their own drinking!
It will bring on stress and anxiety for a lot of you but once you accept this, you will feel empowered.

WHAT YOU SHOULD DO!
There are small things you can do that will make a big difference in how you feel.
Firstly and very importantly, educate yourself on alcoholism. When you become aware of what the disease actually is and the effects alcohol has on people, you will learn what to expect, what to avoid, not to take things so personally and so on. In other words, you will find peace.

Understand and accept the effects their drinking is having on you. You will get nowhere by denying this. More importantly, you won’t be able to change anything if you don’t recognise it in the first place.

Continuously practise healthy coping skills and self-care. Take half hour a day to focus on you and do things you love. It will be a nice change since most of your time and thoughts currently go to the alcoholic. Also, try or continue to eat well, sleep well and get some exercise.

KNOW YOUR OPTIONS.
You should always know what help is available for both you and the drinker. Be aware of what treatment options or general counsellors are around. For example, if you are being abused and are scared of the addict, find out where you can go.

Al-Anon, a self-help group meeting for the family and friends of alcoholics, is available in Guyana. Members share their ‘experience, strength and hope’ with the sole intention of providing support to one another. It is free to attend and you can remain anonymous. You do not have to give your full name or even have to say who the alcoholic is.

There is also A lateen which is for young people (mostly teenagers) who are affected by someone else’s drinking. Al-Anon and Al Ateen are for you if you are affected (in any way) by any friends or family members drinking.

Below are a few institutions/centre you can visit if you need help/assistance.
Help and Shelter walk-in office (for abused women)
Homestretch Avenue, Durban Park. Georgetown
225-4731/ 227-8353

Ministry of Social Protection (for abused partners- male and female)
Lamaha Street
225-6545

Al-Anon
Brickdam Presbytery, Georgetown
Thursdays
Adults (male or female) – 15:15- 16:15 hrs

Al Ateen
Brickdam Presbytery, Georgetown
Thursdays – 18:30-19:30hrs.

After you have agreed and continue to put yourself first, then you can focus on how to help the addict. Next week, I will give you some tips on how to do so but remember the choice to quit drinking is theirs and only theirs.

Thanking you for reading. Please keep sending any topics you’d like to talk about to caitlinvieira@gmail.com

Say Yes to Life and No to Drugs! Always!
Suicide Prevention Helpline – 223-0001, 223-0009, 623-4444 or 600-7896
Do not be afraid to reach out!