SINCE we have been on the topic of harassment and assault over the past few weeks, I thought I should continue with a specific kind that we sadly see or hear about every day within our community. I see as many as 15 people per week because of trauma due to domestic abuse.

It’s so commonplace and shows no discrimination to age, gender, ethnicity or socio-economic status. Although so common, it seems that people are still uncomfortable talking about it which allows its prevalence to remain or even increase.

The first thing to know is – what exactly is domestic abuse? It is any type (physical, verbal, emotional, financial or sexual) abuse that is committed within the home- usually by a partner or spouse. Each type is equally as painful as the other, lowering the victim’s feelings of self-worth, hope, happiness and sense of safety in their own home.
This leads to the second thing to know. Are you being abused? Some situations are obvious but others are sadly so used to a certain type of treatment, that they are not even aware that they are being abused. Noticing the signs of whether you (or a friend/family member) are in an abusive relationship is the first step to ending it.

I’m going to ask a few questions. If your answer is yes to more than half of them, you may be in an abusive relationship and should reach out for help.

ARE YOU:
– Afraid of your partner?
– Always walking on eggshells around them to avoid a blowout?
– Lying often to avoid fights?
– Not allowed to have access to phone, car or money?
– Being constantly checked on?
– Wondering if you are the one who has a problem?
– Feeling sad and alone even when he/she is around?
– Feeling criticised, humiliated or even ignored when he/she is around?
– Embarrassed often around other people?
– Being physically hurt or threatened?
– Constantly having to replace valuables that are being broken?
– Being isolated from your friends/family?
– Feeling like you deserved to be mistreated?

If you have just determined that you are in an abusive relationship, there are things that you can do. You can learn exactly what it is doing to you, whether you notice it or not, and you can learn where to go seek help.

There is a particular cycle/ pattern that occurs in domestic abuse.
There is the abuse, guilt, excuses, normal behaviour, and finally set up. This means there is the abuse itself- whichever kind. The guilt that subsequently surfaces is not over the abuse but encompasses more a worry of getting caught, facing consequences or losing the partner etc. Excuses happen when the abuser tries to justify what he/she has done- abusers rarely ever take responsibility. Normal behaviour means the abuser will go back to being kind as he/she was many times before- allowing the victim to feel that change can happen. Set up occurs when the abuse happens again- again with a justification for what the victim ‘has done’. While taking cycles into consideration, it is important to note that anyone who abuses any substance is more likely to abuse their partner. A partner who is being abused is more likely to abuse their children. Those children are subsequently more likely to grow up and become abusers themselves, especially males. This is a cycle that must be stopped now.

During and/or after abuse, the victim feels afraid, alone, hopeless, helpless and typically becomes withdrawn. It’s not common that they reach out to anyone for help which means their support circles automatically decrease. They are typically not able to perform duties as they once did with the abuse affecting their day to day life- even if the abuse is not happening daily. Domestic abuse also greatly increases the chances of mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, eating disorders, self-harm and suicidal thoughts and behaviours.

What can we do? For both others and ourselves?
If you suspect abuse, ALWAYS confront it- express concern. Sometimes, victims blame themselves for their abuse and are ashamed to reach out for help. If they open up, listen and don’t judge. Understand that it is indeed difficult to leave an abusive situation. Offer support and whatever help possible.

To all our women and men who are being abused, you deserve to feel appreciated, respected and safe. You are not alone and there are places to go for help.

HELP AND SHELTER
If you are being abused (physically, sexually, financially or emotionally) by your partner, you can head to their walk-in centre for counselling. In extreme cases, they provide shelter in a safe, undisclosed location. This is for women and children only.
Walk-in centre address: Homestretch Avenue, Durban Park, Georgetown.
Phone – 225-4731/ 227-8353

Ministry of Social Protection (Probation and Welfare Department)
Provides a wide range of counselling, dealing with a wide variety of issues including domestic abuse/violence.
Address: 22 Lamaha and East Street, Georgetown
Phone: 231 6556

Corriverton Domestic Violence Counselling Centre
Provides counselling for domestic violence. Call or walk in.
Address: 24 Rahaman Park, Springlands
Phone: 333-3887

If you feel like just talking to someone, please call the Suicide Prevention Helpline.
223-0001, 223-0009, 623-4444, 600-7896.
It is open 24 hours a day.

Please remember to keep writing to caitlinvieira@gmail.com. Let me know what you want to talk about!
Say Yes to Life and No to Drugs! Always