LAST week, I wrote a column on happiness which generated a lot of questions. A few have asked me how forgiveness can create happiness.  One reader shared their belief that forgiveness may cause unhappiness claiming: “If someone does me something wrong and I forgive them and they do it again, I will be unhappier with them and myself.” While I completely understand that point, I think it is beneficial for me to explain how forgiveness will result in happiness.

What is forgiveness?
It’s the choice to let go of anger and resentment toward a person or situation.
I think the biggest misconception with forgiveness is that people think it is for the other person- the one who has done wrong. Actually, forgiveness is not for their benefit but really for yours.
Do you ever really think about what holding a grudge or being in conflict does to us both mentally and physically?

Getting worked up increases our blood pressure, heart rate and cholesterol levels which increases the possibility of heart disease or diabetes. It encourages unhealthy coping skills such as drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes and using illicit drugs. Holding a grudge brings bitterness to our past, present and future. Not to mention, it increases the possibility of anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts.

Hatred and resentment steal our joy. Think about when you go out and see the person that you haven’t forgiven. At that moment, that person gets the best of you. They take away your attention, fun and peace of mind. You may even go as far as playing out scenarios in your head if things go wrong. Forgiveness releases you from that grip they have on you- the one you hate to admit they have.

A second misconception is people believe forgiveness makes us weak- that it means we are allowing people to take advantage over us. The truth is that only the strong forgive- it is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do in life. You do not have to let someone know that you have forgiven them for it to release you from its negative emotions. Keep in mind that forgiving and forgetting are not the same thing.

You can remember what someone did and take caution but there must be forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean to continue to allow others to hurt us. It does not even mean that we think what they have done is okay. It is not minimising our hurt nor is it accepting responsibility for something someone else did. Instead, forgiveness is freeing yourself from your past, allowing yourself to heal and rebuild. It is allowing for inner peace and freedom- a word which I believe should be synonymous with forgiveness.  It takes quite a bit of energy and commitment but so does hatred and anger.

Here are a few fun facts about forgiveness.
Forgiveness allows us to be promoted from the victim to the hero of any situation.
Forgiveness is actually not a natural instinct – it takes work and only the minority actually, truly can.

Learning to forgive is actually another way of learning to control your emotions and high emotional responses (something I believe every human being needs to work on).
Forgivenesss increases strength, optimism, empathy and compassion. It leads to high self-esteem, healthier relationships and an overall enhanced quality of life.

How can we begin to forgive? What can we do?
Always keep in mind that when you are standing on a table, it is much easier to jump down to someone than to pull them up to you. If you’re holding on to resentment, and act on it, you are jumping down to their level. If you forgive, you begin to pull them up to a higher ground.

Try writing a letter to the person expressing how you feel, you do not have to give it to them. It just gives you an outlet to relieve the pain.
Relinquish and accept your feelings. It is okay to be angry, it is a completely healthy emotion. Sometimes how we deal with it may not be healthy, but without anger it is difficult for us to know what our basic wants and needs are as individuals, for us to know what we like and do not like. Accepting and healthily expressing your anger is the beginning stage of letting it go.

If necessary, accept that the person who wronged you may never apologise. This is not your fault and should not get in the way of forgiveness.
Consider the individual’s position and point of view. Was there a valid reason for their action? This requires a clear, calm mind and usually, an unbiased third party.

Think of times when you were wrong and people granted you forgiveness. How did it make you feel? Wasn’t it beneficial to you? Didn’t it make you a better person? Didn’t you deserve the second chance?

Forgiveness is not just for other people but for ourselves as well.
One also has to have the power to forgive oneself which also frees burdens and encourages progress.

If you are the one who needs forgiveness, do not be afraid to make amends, you likely will not forgive yourself unless this happens.
Whether it is you or someone else, accept that forgiveness is a process and definitely will not happen overnight.

Louis B. Smedes said, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
Thanking you for reading. Please keep sending any topics you’d like to talk about to caitlinvieira@gmail.com Or come in to see me at:

Georgetown Public Hospital: Psychiatric Department:
Monday- Friday – 8am- 12pm

Woodlands Hospital: Outpatient Department
Drug and Alcohol group meetings – Mondays 4:15
Good mental health group meetings- Wednesdays 4:15
Suicide Prevention Helpline numbers: 223-0001, 223-0009, 623-4444, 600-7896

Say Yes to Life and No to Drugs! Always