MY partner and I have been together five years. Her brother has accepted us from the beginning, and is very welcoming. Her mom will not even say my name; she does not agree with our relationship, and feels being cordial with me is like saying it is okay for us to be together. Recently, my partner’s father’s cancer started getting progressively worse. During this time, he said he wanted to get to know me. He took me out for lunch and was very nice. He did and said things over the past few months to show that he accepts our relationship.
My partner’s father passed away this morning. I do not know what is appropriate for me to do. Should I send flowers? If I do, should I put my name on them, or just leave it blank and let my partner know I sent them? Should I go to the funeral?
I want to show the appropriate respect and condolences to my partner and her brother, as well as pay my respects to her father. At the same time, I respect her mother enough not to bring her extra drama during this difficult time.
Celia

Celia,
What you do after someone’s death is an expression of your relationship with the deceased. You had a good relationship with your partner’s father. Do what seems appropriate to express that relationship.
If you would normally send flowers and a card, send flowers and a card. And sign it. If the deceased wanted a donation in lieu of flowers, then that is what you should do. Let your partner, and perhaps her brother, decide what your role should be at the visitation and the funeral.