I HAVE a sister-in-law who, in many areas of her life, is outstanding. One of her darker sides is her choice of men. She was recently beaten up by a boyfriend who broke her clavicle. This put the whole family in a huge turmoil, as police, prosecutors and attorneys got involved. Now, six weeks later, it has come to light that she went on a weekend trip to the beach with the abusing boyfriend. I feel he is duping her to get the charges dropped. This isn’t the first time the family has endured this cycle with her and boyfriends.
My wife wants to cut her off from our kids, and my brother-in-law is barring her from his wedding. Should we sever ties, or just let it play out? After all, she is an adult.
Clark

Clark,
She’s not in treatment, and she’s not stopping. It is realistic to expect this pattern to continue. It is not fair to you, and it is not fair to her to act as if this is acceptable. If she won’t put her foot down, you can put your foot down.
You are now free to exercise your option not to be caught up in her drama and violence. At some point, as Gavin de Becker says, she went from victim to volunteer. There is something about men like this she wants. Though the pattern may last for the rest of her life, you and the family don’t need to involve yourselves in it for the rest of your lives.
We are not blaming the victim, but at this point, your sister-in-law has become an assistant in her own abuse. She is in control; she is making you the victim of a victim. All you can do is suffer by contact with her. She is forcing the family to watch her drown.
Though you and other family members sever contact with her, that doesn’t mean you can’t send her a good book on abuse on every gift-giving occasion, like Christmas and her birthday. There is no better gift you can give than helping her acknowledge that she needs help.