I HAVE the most wonderful boyfriend. We live together, and are looking forward to taking the next step in our relationship: Marriage.
I know he is looking for rings. I have had problems in the past with insecurity, due to how poorly I was treated compared to past girlfriends in another relationship years ago. I love my boyfriend more than life itself, and I trust him. However, I know that one of the jewellery stores he is interested in purchasing a ring from is also the same store where he used to buy gifts for his ‘ex’.
I am afraid if he buys a ring from this store, and I’m pretty sure he will, all I will be able to think of is her, not him and his love.
I don’t want that; I am hoping no matter how silly I may sound, you will be able to give me advice on how to deal with this.

Amber,
In the movie ‘Hoffa’, Jack Nicholson plays Jimmy Hoffa, the rough-and-tumble president of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters. At one point, Hoffa, talking to an underling, says something like: “A real grievance can be resolved, but an imaginary slight, a person will carry until the day they die.”
We could suggest that you talk to your boyfriend; get him to understand your feelings and change his plans about the ring. That sounds reasonable, but on a deeper level, it’s the wrong answer.
You don’t have a real grievance here; certainly not a real grievance against your boyfriend. In your imagination, you are carrying slights from a man who never married you. That’s not right; you don’t get to convict your boyfriend for a crime someone else committed.
Your relationship is not about his ‘ex’ or yours; it should be about loving each other with all your heart. If you tell your boyfriend where he can buy the ring, you are making the ring about his ‘ex’; and even more than that, you are preserving your connection to another man.
Bad experiences don’t entitle us to exert power over others. That’s blackmail. If he gives in to you on this, it could easily become a ploy for you to use to get whatever you want. What’s next? He can’t go to restaurants he went to with her, or visit the same old neighbourhoods?
In the movie, Jack Nicholson as Jimmy Hoffa says: “Don’t ask for something that’s a burden for you to carry.” Don’t think about his ‘ex’; don’t think about yours. If you love each other without reservation, that should be easy.
Wayne & Tamara

Escape attempt
I AM A college student. Two months ago, I got engaged to a girl I thought was the love of my life. But recently, everything changed. She hides things from me, and seems to sneak around with a secret agenda of sorts. She starts fights for no reason, and goes so far as to say love is overrated.
Over the past few months, I have begun having feelings for a friend who has been helping me through this, and this is where I am torn. While I am engaged, my partner insists on escalating the smallest snafu into a catastrophic fight.
During one of the aforementioned fights, she blatantly told me to take my ring back, and that she hates me. She actually says the latter quite often. Is there any advice you can give me?

Axel,
Your fiancée is trying to make you break off the engagement. Though she wants out, she is unable to do it for herself. Why she can’t do it doesn’t matter; her actions speak the words she cannot utter.
Accept the offer; take the ring back. You don’t make permanent something miserable, just as you don’t continue in a course of study once you realize you hate all the required courses.