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Only recently have I understood how true her words are. Not too long ago, I wrote a letter about my own experiences growing up gay in Guyana. I know what oppression feels like and I know what hate feels like. I know its lasting impact.
So when I read local news each day and see how prevalent domestic violence against women and children is, it touches me deeply. I feel their pain. I know all too well the prevalence of alcoholism, domestic violence and emotional assault that pervades Guyanese society. I also know men who have risen above their own struggles and refused to perpetuate it.
The rate of articles and letters in the papers has highlighted the intensity of the problem. Women and children are being subjected to more frequent and more vicious attacks. The slap you rationalise isn’t domestic violence, is! Domestic violence can no longer be hidden behind closed doors. It has grown to the point of consuming the sanctity of family, and the records reflect this shameful reality.
A 2010 United Nations Development Programme (UNDP) report states that almost 1 in 5 women in Guyana are subjected to “punching, kicking, or other physical violence by an adult household member in comparison to the [Caribbean] average of [about 1 in 10]. Anyone who is disgusted or in denial can see cold, hard numbers on the internet: www.refworld.org, search “Guyana domestic violence.” The 2007 US Country Report on Human Rights practices estimated that one in three women experiences domestic violence in Guyana (www.state.gov). On January 17th of this year the Kaieteur News reported that presently, 50% (one in two) women experience domestic violence. Help and Shelter confirms that the frequency and intensity of violence against women and children is fulminant. Those are the numbers.
Many people assume their own actions don’t cross the line of domestic violence. Others have the tendency to believe themselves inherently incapable of crossing the line. So what is domestic violence? According to Help and Shelter, domestic violence occurs when a person attempts or intends to physically or psychologically overpower, control or intimidate another. This includes destroying property, humiliation, verbal threats, stalking or deprivation of social support. Financial control and ignoring the distress of another are also forms of domestic violence. If a person feels under duress from a consistently unequal relationship between her and her partner, then there is concern. This definition implies that there needs to be open, non-coercive and honest communication between spouses for boundaries to be acknowledged and shared.
Domestic violence against children is also a terrible threat to society that cannot be separated from violence against women. With our history of corporal punishment, it is easy to blur the lines between discipline and abuse. As in the definition of domestic violence, abuse occurs when one partner exerts distressing control over another. If the treatment of a child is affecting that child’s development, then it is abusive. Not all individuals are alike. What is felt as punishment by one child might induce psychological scars in another. Being a parent and spouse takes effort. Many people like to give themselves free passes by thinking their victim can shake it off or needs to be tough. That’s an ignorant fable and there are cold, hard numbers to prove it. If your family looks at you with anxiety and not affection, things need to change. Taking control of one’s own distress is a greater show of strength than controlling someone else.
Domestic violence is a rampant public health concern. It not only affects people psychologically, but it is now known to result in harmful biological changes. This is why it spreads like a disease. It changes the stress-response system of the brain, and the eggs of women. Michael Meaney at McGill University and David Sweatt at the University of Alabama-Birmingham have found that abuse increases the intensity of the stress people feel and locks in this change for life. Pregnancy adapts the unborn child to survive in the environment the mother is living. When a woman is abused, her stress results in the child being adapted to live in a dangerous world – the child’s stress system is permanently turned up and they are condemned to feel stress more intensely. Disturbingly, if a woman is the product of an abused mother, her eggs are affected and she passes on this stress-intolerance for generations. They become heritable. Even if domestic violence ends when the child is born, the brain changes are still there. Studies show that psychological intervention or anti-depressants only have limited efficacy in helping people born with abuse epigenetically coded into their bodies. These same changes cause learning deficits. Just as how it is difficult to think when you are “stressed out” or angry, a person who feels more stress than usual can’t think straight. Both male and female children are affected by this biological mechanism.
Male children of abuse, who cannot tolerate stress, perpetuate the cycle of violence. They react violently to stresses in their environment, abuse alcohol, illegal drugs and treat others poorly. Female children pass it onto their own children through their eggs, but also because their own maternal instinct is disrupting their own brain adaptations. In other words, domestic abuse quickly becomes systemic and affects generations of people even when the abuse stops. It is a very serious affliction. Bruce McEwen at Rockefeller University has shown it leads to increases in mental illness, heart disease and possibly, diabetes. The entire society is affected, and the problem becomes rampant. This isn’t exaggeration. This is reality. This is what is happening right under the noses of Guyanese. Violence in society will grow as well as the cost of health care. All oppression really is connected.
So if every man and woman is the product of abuse, how do we stop this cycle of violence from consuming society? It really begins with great effort on the side of social institutions and especially, personal commitment by individuals. Too many fathers don’t recognise that their stress tolerance is low and that they need to take responsibility for their own internal distress. It is about personal responsibility and self-control. One’s own distress should be dealt with internally and with trained help, not taken out on others.
Every man can be Herculean. It takes effort and commitment and I’ve seen the commitment made. My own father is the product of an abusive mother. Some of his siblings have dents in their heads from irons and pot spoons. Many of his brothers drowned their distress in alcohol, and domestic violence against their wives and children.Against the backdrop of this, I saw my father struggle within himself and not take his distress out on the people around him. He never drank alcohol to medicate. He practised many stress-relieving activities and worked through them. On top of that, when I came out as gay to him, he made an Herculean effort to struggle with what it meant to have a gay son. This is an enormous feat for a Guyanese man with a background of poverty, abuse and neglect.
Today, I have a father who is loving, and with whom I can speak freely and openly. True, his struggles were sometimes consuming, but importantly, he did not continue the cycle of domestic violence and abuse. He took responsibility for his own emotions. His brother, my uncle, is another example of this effort, carrying his own struggles and mitigating them productively. He made his legacy one of love and care. So I’ve seen the effort made, twice over.
There is no greater commitment to manhood than making the necessary sacrifices to protect the well-being of those around you. Domestic violence is rampant and virulent in Guyana, and needs a response that is quick and committed. Abuse doesn’t stay with the victim, it is passed on for generations through learnt behaviour and biologically. The cost to society escalates quickly. This makes it difficult to resolve. It explains the perpetuation of domestic violence and its association with alcohol and drug abuse. There are organisations in Guyana specialised to help victims of domestic abuse. There is Help and Shelter and Red Thread. Both organisations cannot meet demand for their services because of the prevalence of the problem and the lack of funding. Please donate. I plead with local churches and public institutions to recognise the importance of this problem and to join relief organisations in stamping it out.
Help eradicate an issue that threatens family structure, educational success, and every child’s mind and body. All oppression is connected, and it will take great social coordination and commitment to eradicate them.
