My boyfriend is 12 years older than me and divorced, and we’ve been dating a year and a half. Since the beginning I’ve known he keeps in contact with his ex-wife, which didn’t really bother me. I’m not sure how much they talk or see one another, but it’s at least once a week and probably more. They’ve been divorced four years. What bothers me is when he is super busy or feeling under the weather, I ask if he needs anything and he says he doesn’t and just wants to be alone. But I come to find out his ex-wife has dropped by with homemade soup and maybe more.
He tells me even after all this time she begs to get back together with him every time they talk, always saying how much she loves him and how they could have cute kids together. I know he can’t control what she says, but I find this incredibly disrespectful.
I get the impression he hasn’t put his foot down, so to speak, with respect to those comments. Am I crazy to be upset? Is it even my place to say anything? I don’t expect him to cut her out of his life, but getting his house key back and telling her to respect our relationship and the relationship she has with her own boyfriend seems like a reasonable request.
Jena

Jena,
you’re torn. On one hand, there are the traditional things women are told about how to catch a man. Don’t let him see you without your makeup on, don’t call him if he hasn’t called you, don’t ask him to explain his actions, and don’t get too aggressive with him.
On the other hand, there is your inner Sherlock Holmes. Your inner Holmes knows the ex has his house key, makes him homemade soup and says they could have cute kids. He is listening, taking it all in and accepting what she offers.
Let the sleuth win. You need enough presence to tell him, this is not right. Perhaps you feel 12 additional years on the planet give his words more authority, but you need the pluck to let him know he is doing his ex a disservice by not allowing her to move on.
If you tell him this and he doesn’t readily agree, you know your relationship is over. If he were genuinely interested in the ex, he would be with her. If he were genuinely interested in you, he wouldn’t be with her.
That’s the underlying fear. He doesn’t love either of you, so he is going to have you both. Neither is enough, but the two together, who aren’t really enough, will stand for enough.
There is no reason for his ex-wife to be in his life. The reality is, when you find the one you love, you don’t want or need a backup.

Wayne & Tamara