All the wisdom you need from some outstanding fathers

THE father, a source of strength and protection, a provider, a friend, a teacher, a preacher, a healer and many more roles in the life of his family. Children look up to fathers and they ought to. And, it is said that where a father is absent both mother and children are sometimes exposed to all sorts of disadvantages.

Many studies have found that though not in every instance, far too many children who grew up without the father in their lives are more likely to fall under peer pressure and, also get involved in many of the social problems that face modern societies today. Yet the presence of the father is lacking in far too many homes at this time. The Pepperpot Magazine, therefore, sought to have discussions of three men in society who are fathers and who feel that the role of leadership and responsibility must be taken seriously.

STEP UP TO THE PLATE
Rehman Majeed, General Manager of Starr Computer Inc. said that he was very concerned with the number of single parents in the society today. He felt that something must be done to help some fathers feel a higher sense of responsibility for the children they are accountable for bringing into this world.

“I was fortunate to have had a very close relationship with my grandparents; my aunts and uncles, I had a lot of adults in my life and so to some extent I would consider myself old-fashioned because it goes to show that some of the values have been instilled in you, you carry it on and then you pass it on to your child,” he said.

He said that he sees it as a responsibility, in Guyana especially, for the male population to step up to the plate when it comes to fatherhood. “I believe that if you bring someone into this world you have a responsibility and, your responsibility has to be not only providing for that child financially but also as basic ethics in trying to shape their lives as how you would want them to be,” Majeed suggested.

He stated that for him, being a father is a joy and that he enjoys getting home in the afternoons; enjoy taking his child to school. He said, too, that sometimes he actually debates with his wife on who would take his daughter to school because it is seen as a privilege.

FATHER AND SURROGATES

Carwyn Holland, former Mayor of Linden is a busy man, yet he is one who finds time for his wife, Nikosa, and four sons: Carwyn Junior, Cayden, Caleb and Caddarik. He is currently the President of the Guyana Association of Municipalities (GAM). He is also the Resource Ambassador for the University of Guyana from 2016; founder of the Linden Youth Leaders and also the founder of the Guyana Youth Leaders International.

“I was blessed with a father who provided for my siblings and [I], who motivated us and assured us of his love,” Holland said.
But more than being actual fathers, he also believes that youth leaders should strive to be role models and surrogate fathers to youths, as he feels that father figures will always play important roles in community development.

Besides his late father Cecil Holland, he said that several men in society played surrogate roles in his life. These include Bishop John Smith, the late Mayor Hugh Harris, Justice Trotman and Professor Ken Danns.

Further, he stated that for the many fathers who forge ahead without a model from which to pattern themselves, being a good father requires immense courage, endurance and a generous helping of the same resilience and humour we witness in our children.

LOVE AND SACRIFICE

Elsom Crosse is the father of four children – all girls ranging from age 23 to 17 and married for the past 25 years to Jewel Crosse.
Coming from very humble beginnings, Crosse said that he would stop at nothing that is good and just to see his wife and children comfortable and happy.

“As a man, I feel that I have no real excuse for standing up and making sure that my girls, as well as my wife, feel safe and secure; I do not even feel that I am going out of my way whenever I have to go the extra mile to do something for any one of them.”

He said that with a lot of love and sacrifice, he and his wife would ensure that their children get only the best, pointing out that his first and second daughters will be graduating from the University of Guyana this year; while the third child is now in her second year at UG and the youngest is in Lower Sixth Form at the Bishops’ High School.

MODERN DAY CHALLENGES
Majeed stated that in today’s society being a father and a parent, as a whole, is much more challenging. “With the type of role model you are and with all the distractions you are competing with; with the television; with the Internet and the friends, peer pressure, in today’s day and age it will be more challenging,” he offered.

Being at the helm of a large technology company such as Starr Computer Inc., he said that he has to ensure that he makes the time to be a father to his daughter and a husband to his wife, even when time seems to be evading him because of duties.

He stated that the approach to time is what is important and that there are times when the child would attempt to gain the attention of the father, who might be preoccupied, but the way he treats with the situation is what is important.

“I always pause at that moment and reflect and then I change my approach immediately. So if she [my daughter] calls me there is never a time when I do not try to interact with her because that is the most important thing for me.”

Therefore, he said that in the afternoons he spends as much time as possible to find out how his daughter did in school, having a conversation with her on school work and other interactions she had during the day.

“I find these discussions very refreshing because I learn as well, and I don’t make slots of time, like between five and six-no, it is all the time. I simply find the time to spend with my child because I believe that it is important,” Majeed affirmed.

He said that it is usually a pleasure for him to take time off from his work to be a part of his daughter’s school activities, such as the PTA, sports and other activities like graduations, Easter shows and award ceremonies and the like.

Meanwhile, Crosse indicated that with the Internet, Facebook, WhatsApp and all the other gadgets out there, children will always be tested and at times may feel a ‘pull’ here or there, but he was proud to say that he has not been having serious challenges in this regard. “Our girls are not saints, but we have tried our best in bringing them up in the best possible way, and while they do have friends – most of their friends are boys and girls that we know and approve of, so that there are no problems there.”

He said that as four girls, they find friends in each other as well. At the same time, he said that the girls learn to solve problems among themselves.

THE JOURNEY OF FATHERHOOD
Holland, in sharing similar views said that from the birth of his first child he was engaged at the fullest. “Recalling my first solo diaper change over a decade ago, my eldest giggled through the entire ‘ordeal’ and I use that word intentionally,” the obviously proud father said, adding, that by the end of the task he resorted to just bathing the little fellow after expending a number of baby wipes, and messing-up the child’s clothes, the changing pad, the sofa and his own clothes as well. By the end of the task, he said, I was in beads of perspiration.

Holland said that now, with his fourth son, he has managed to complete the task without profusely perspiring, soiling his wife’s sofa or resorting to giving his son a bath, although, there is always a considerable dent in the baby wipes case after he is finished.

Holland said that the expectation that fathers (or anyone) should be perfect on the first day on the job is incredibly naïve and fallacious. He said that over the years he has learnt many lessons that have fortified him as a father, and he is still learning.

He also pointed out that he has learnt that even when he feels frustrated or angry, the discipline he administers should be an expression of loving concern for the long-term welfare of his boys.

CONVERSATIONS AND FUN
Majeed said that one of the virtues as a family they have always taught their daughter is, the importance of being honest and direct. “We have a thing in which there are no secrets; no whispering; being very open and the kinds of conversations we have are monitored in our own way,” he said.

Having that daily conversation and also spending quality time together is one of the most valuable things that can happen in family relations, and so this is what is practiced as often as we can, Majeed stated. Sitting together as father and daughter, where there is no phone or Tablet on the table, just having pure conversations and interacting is what is important, he posited.

“Technology is addictive – you can’t run away from that, it is addictive to us adults and more to kids. And so there are some challenges with the use of the Internet, Facebook, and the other electronic gadgets which we can’t run away from–that is a challenge without a doubt.

I have that challenge, but one of the things that I think is important and it is something I have done, is to have several outdoor activities – if you get out of your house and kick a ball for example and having fun,” which he said is a lot better than the children in front of the television or something else,” he affirmed.

He said that he tries to utilise some of the afternoon hours to spend time in his yard kicking, batting and catching the ball. Ideally, people should spend more time outdoors, getting involved in physical activities and at the time, find less time for electronic gadgets and the like, he said.

RECREATIONAL PARKS – GREEN SPACE
Majeed said that he personally feels that there is a lot of room here in Guyana for consideration to be given to recreational – parks, green spaces, and this is very important, he said.

“I know that the government would like to work on green initiatives and so green space is very, very good. I think that is what is lacking in our neighbourhoods – green spaces,” he posited.

He advanced the view that as parents recognise the strengths and weaknesses in their children and begin to work with them, they could find even more time using the green spaces – possibly for walks and conversations; play games in their yards or even where there may be neighbourhood parks.

EMPOWERING MEN
In today’s society, it is hard to ignore that some men are struggling with a sense of inferiority for various reasons. Holland noted that he feels compassion for men who feel inadequate and too intimidated to try.

“For men whose flawed and dysfunctional family background created a blueprint for this cycle to continue, I urge you to seek out help from your fellow brothers,” he said. “To all men, we must be a band of brothers that will encourage, uphold, and redirect where necessary our fellow men.

The task of empowering men and fathers must be led by men and fathers. The truth is that any man can be a father; it takes a man of devotion, strength and integrity to father his children.”

CHORES NOT GENDER-BIAS
Speaking on the matter of traditional roles, Crosse made it clear that he does not believe in the saying that certain chores are only for women to do, while others are for the men only. “I disagree with this,” he said, adding that nothing in the home is too much for him to do for his wife and to some extent for his daughters.

He put forward the view that cooking, washing, cleaning and other similar duties were not meant for the woman alone, adding, that none of those chores is above him, and that in fact, he takes pleasure in helping to keep the place tidy, preparing meals and assisting in whatever ways possible.

“Who says that these are chores only for men?” Crosse asked. “When you know that you are a man–not just believe it, but know it, then you have no fear, nothing you do in the line of helping out in the home would make you less of man and cause you to doubt yourself or get confused.”

Moreover, these men believe that if fathers do the best they are able to for their children, they would not only change the lives of their children; they would also change the community and they would also change the country.

“We will start with one child at a time – when we speak about development; when we speak about social cohesion and all the other things we have already spoken about, we then go back to the drawing board and we start with one child at a time,” Majeed said.

Together, the beliefs and examples set by these three outstanding fathers’ set a strong example for many men to follow and their wisdom provides depth that can bring hope to the skeptics that, indeed, there are many good men out there fighting the good fight.