Dear Wayne & Tamara,

My alcoholic brother will not apologise for his horrendous behaviour at our
our son’s wedding last October. In the past I would try nicely and ask him
to cut back on his drinking when he visited.

Our furniture wasn’t so lucky. He would break our chairs when he plopped down.

At our son’s wedding he showed up in dirty torn clothes though I offered to buy him a suit. He drank before he arrived, even after I asked him to please not drink that day.

The moment my back was turned at the reception, he went to the microphone after I asked him not to.

I thought for one split second he might say something heartwarming. All
he said was, “Get a divorce, sell the house, go to Vegas.” Then he sat
down laughing, tossing the gift my son and daughter-in-law made for all the guests up into the air like a ball.

I was so mortified. My husband was in shock. We did not want to make a scene and cause further embarrassment, but a family friend asked him to please be respectful of his nephew and the bride. Shortly after, he left, thank goodness.

For several weeks he called and left messages on our phone saying how great it was to be part of the wedding and reception. He also asked for an invitation
to our home at Christmas. I was so angry I did not return his calls
until December 27th.

With as much compassion as possible I told him why he was not invited to spend Christmas with my family. I said my sons do not want to be around him anymore.
I said what he did at the wedding was so humiliating he will not be
invited to my youngest son’s wedding.

I have always been there for him when the rest of the family turned their backs due to the way he treats them. When his apartment burnt down, I bought him
all new clothes, toiletries, coats and shoes when my other siblings
would not even give him US$20.

I love my brother, and it fills my heart with such sadness not to include him
in my life, but I have had enough. He will never acknowledge the hurt he causes me or apologize.

Should he and other estranged relatives be invited to events because of right
or entitlement, or should invitations to a bridal shower, wedding or
christening be a privilege?

LENA

Dear Lena,
Let’s talk about your brother first and assume the disease model of alcoholism is correct.

Your brother has a disease. But what kind of disease? Self-contained, or
infectious? Obviously it is infectious. His disease ruins once-in-a-lifetime events like a wedding and recurring events like Christmas. Infectious diseases must be quarantined.

He also suffers from alcoholic vanity. He thinks he is the cleverest dog in the pack while making a spectacle of himself. His comments at your son’s wedding reveal how distorted his thinking is. Getting involved with him in lifetime events like a wedding and recurring events like Christmas.
Getting involved with him in tit-for-tat discussions will do nothing but frustrate you. You can’t reason with a drunk. What you can do is, once and for all,
let him know your door will be open to him if he changes. Then end
contact.

Of course it fills your heart with sadness, because family ties are wired into our memories and into our DNA. But sometimes behaviour trumps biology,
and this is one of those times.

But what about other estranged relatives? You seem such a kind and open person we can’t imagine you are at the root of any of this. So we suggest following two rules.

First, closeness. Invite only those you are close to. Second, feedback. Invite
only those who give you positive feedback.

Don’t let ideas of “should” and “ought” rule your behaviour. Let the reality of others’ behaviour be your guide, not ideas of right, entitlement or privilege.

WAYNE & TAMARA