THE year is 2029, and the leader of the PNC, Aubrey Burnham (AB), is in conversation with the leader of a third party, Ossie Alludin (OA) that recently came on the scene named Gold Miners Forever (GMF). The dialogue took place at the Burnham mausoleum in the Botanical Gardens.
AB: What is the purpose of this urgent request to meet with me?
OA: You are well aware that general and regional elections are just about a year away? The GMF has decided to accept as its guide for these elections, the political theory of David Hinds which has as its core, the electoral weakness of the PNC. Mr. Burnham, are you aware of Hinds’ theory?
AB: I am but tell me so I can ascertain if you are indeed familiar with the Hinds’ theory.
OA: Well you know Hinds has a point.
AB: Please, just outline the theory.
OA: Hinds is saying that there is a congenital defect that the PNC was born with. It could only win power if it coalesces with a third party or a viable small party. He showed this to be true historically. He is definitive in his assertion that the PNC will never take power as a majority party. It will always fall short unless it gets the votes it cannot get to secure power through its marriage with a third party.
AB: Do you accept that theory?
OA: Yes, Mr. Burn ham that is why we are here.
AB: Go on; tell me why you are here.
OA: The GMF commissioned several polls by Mr. Vishnu Bisram using several configurations. They show the PNC winning in 2031 once there is a coalition ticket between PNC and GMF. We are here to agree on a coalition outline.
AB: Paint the canvas for me.
OA: We are thinking of a very innovative covenant not seen before in the world. Since the PNC can never achieve power on its own, we are unmoved in our demand for a split in the presidency of two and a half years between the PNC and GMF. We are forcefully contending that Cabinet positions be split 50/50. We do not want a Cabinet of 26 members because that means GMF will have 13 ministers and we are superstitious about the number 13 like the rest of the world. We know this is a humongous request but we are unmoved because only the GMF can propel the PNC into power. Only through us, the PNC can secure power. We are the kingmakers and our demands are final.
AB: Are you done?
OA: Yes. But let us reassert our position so you can reflect on it. There will not be a PNC government in 2031. Only the GMF can bring that about. That is the brutal reality the PNC has faced all its life and David Hinds has spelt it out clearly.
AB: Listen carefully, Mr. Alludin. First, the polls. You have to be a fool to commission polls from Bisram. Everybody laughed and laughs at the surveys Mr. Bisram did and is doing. The only person that gives Bisram’s polls any credibility is you which do not say much for you.
OA: Mr. Burnham, let me say….
AB: Don’t interrupt me. I didn’t interrupt you. Hear me out. You are equally foolish to believe David Hinds’ theory. It is not theory; it is mumbo jumbo. Do you know what Hinds’ real name is? Black pudding maan. Who makes black pudding, and who buys it, is what Hinds is obsessed with and you are giving credibility to that man.
OA: Mr. Burnham, look, you….
AB: Man, please let me finish and when I do you will have my answer to your election requests. Look, Hinds is an embarrassment to the PNC. We wanted to sideline him before the 2025 election because he was a huge liability. We kept him because we heard a voice from our founder-leader, Linden Forbes Sampson asking us to keep him. We asked the founder-leader why. He said that he heard a voice from Walter Rodney asking him to intercede with the PNC to retain Hinds.
OA: Wait a minute Mr. Burnham, the PNC makes decisions based on voices from the grave?
AB: You are becoming insulting so, let me finish. We in the PNC do not know where Hinds got his theory from. Hinds and Norton are close, so it must be from Bam Bam Alley where Aubrey and David hang out. Here is our position concerning an election alliance with you. David and you could put that theory about the PNC’s inability to win elections on its own where the monkey put the nuts.

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