A story submitted to the Guyana Prize for Literature 2024

HE stood with his head bent, strands of dark hair falling over his face, his arms wrapped around a pillar of his house. It was early in the morning; the sun had not yet risen, and he spoke to the house, his voice trembling and tears rolling down his face. “I-I ha-ha-ha-have to go away for a while. It’s not s-s-safe for me here now.”

He paused, sniffling, then continued, “But I will come back. You are all I have. Just wait for m-me.”

He wiped his tears and walked to the little mound beside the house. It was where his beloved Bella lay in eternal sleep. He knelt by the grave and sobbed quietly. “I miss you s-s-so much, my sweet girl. I know you have crossed the rainbow bridge, but I still feel like you’re here with m-me.”

He got up, wiped his tears and walked back to the front of the house. He picked up a haversack and walked slowly out of the yard. He stood there for a while, not wanting to leave, but he knew that if he didn’t and they came back, they would most likely kill him.

He inhaled deeply as he walked out onto the road and turned to look back one last time at the house, fearing in his heart that the old house might start to collapse without him there. He whispered, “Wait for me.”

The house had been his shelter since birth, his literal companion. As a person with a disability, he did not go out much, and it became his sanctuary when his mother and father passed away a little over a year apart. Now he was leaving, walking down the long road to the highway.

He stood there, uncertainty weighing on his young heart as he waited for a minibus that would take him to the city and, from there, a connecting bus to Parika on the West Coast. He was going to Leguan, one of the islands in the Essequibo River, where his mother was born. He had never been there, and nervousness crept into his being, for he was going to a strange place to meet family members he did not know.

He had called an aunt whose phone number his mother had written in a notepad for him in case he ever needed it. The aunt put him through to an uncle, who put him on to another aunt and, finally, an uncle living at the family’s farmhouse.

“Seems as though no one wants me,” Shaan had bemoaned.

“I guess it’s because I’m not normal.”

When the bus reached the Stabroek Market bus park, Shaan disembarked and followed passengers who were travelling to Parika. He boarded one of the buses and sat at the back, looking out of the window with grief in his heart.

“Why?” he asked himself, as he had asked many times over the years. “Why are bad things happening to me?”

He had been born with a congenital disability due to his mother being an alcoholic, and, added to that misfortune, she did not take good care of him as a baby. The defect slowed his learning, thinking, and physical development. He also had a slight stutter, and, growing up as a child with disabilities, he was often mocked and bullied.

What was worse, though, was that he thought his mother hated him, but late at night, he often heard her crying softly. As he grew up, he often wondered why she cried so much. His brain was slow to process things, but he felt she was battling some secret pain.

His parents’ alcoholic lifestyle had caused life to be a struggle for him, so from the age of eleven, he had started doing odd jobs around the neighbourhood to survive, and that gave him an early sense of responsibility.

On his sixteenth birthday, his mother bought him a birthday cake and cooked a special meal for the first time.

“Today is a special day for you,” she said as she gave him a bicycle.

For the first time in his life, he heard her laugh a little. It was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard.

Later that night, she sat with him and told him, “I am happy to see how strong you have become despite all the challenges you have faced over the years. I know I have not been a good mother, but my pain is so deep that I feel like I’m bleeding every day.”

She paused, took a deep breath, then continued, “After I’m gone from this world, there are two tasks I’ve detailed for you to do for me. Once that time comes, they will be given to you, and you will know what to do.”

He felt her pain then and promised, “I will do whatever you want me to do for you, Mom.”

She smiled through tears and hugged him for a long moment. “Thank you, son.”

Four months after his sixteenth birthday, late one night, he heard a low moan from his mother. Then he heard her calling his name softly. He sat by her bedside, watching as her breathing became slow, and asked as panic started to set in, “Should I call the neighbour to take you to the hospital?”

His father was asleep, as usual, stone drunk.

“No, son.” She reached out and touched his hand. “I want to go. I’ve suffered far too long.”

“What h-happened to you, Mother?”

She smiled sadly. “One day, hopefully, you will get to know.”

He sat there watching her, touched by her pain and sadness and helpless to do anything. She opened her eyes and, looking at him, said, “I’m sorry, my son. There’s a room…”

Her voice faded. She closed her eyes for the last time and took her final breath.

He felt numb for days as people came and went: her friends and a few family members he didn’t know.

On the day of the funeral, Shaan looked at his mother, grieving that life had done her some wrong.

“I will miss you,” he said quietly.

And he did, as he sat alone in the house, unsure of how to go on. His father had gone back to drinking, spending more time out than in. Shaan knew, though, that he had to go on, for he had made a promise to his mother. He went back out to work, for the few family members who had come to ensure that his mother had a decent funeral had left just afterwards, without reaching out to him.

“I guess I have to pay the price of ha-having a l-l-low-life father,” he sighed unhappily.

He managed to hold his own, but things got worse when, just two months after his seventeenth birthday, his father came home in a drunken state, fell and hit his head, cracking his skull.

At seventeen, Shaan was now left alone, and the old house became his protector, his security, his everything. He couldn’t be sure what the future held for him now that both his parents were gone.

Life, however, presented him with a surprise gift when, one late afternoon, he came home from work and found Bella.

To be continued…